Gender and Sex
by Senlere
Summary: The documented web-diaries and happenings of a one Logan Mitchell, coming to terms with his family, his friendships, his love, and who he truly is. Rating to change. Kogan.
1. Prologue

Before I begin, I want to give a shout out to **Leviosa0812**, because her story "Maybe", actually pushed me to write this - thank you! I've been trying to write a story with some sort of gender scenario for awhile and I was going to simply switch one characters gender, but it sounded kinda...boring, after awhile. However, this story is in** no means **out to copy Leviosa0812's story. It is a different scenario, plot, and everything else under the sun, for engaging the transsexual theme.

* * *

Logan Mitchell watched as the red webcam light slowly came to life, the bright iris bringing upon another wave of nausea.

_You can do this…just.._

He breathed heavily and brought out a notebook from behind him, he had made a few notes for himself in case he became nervous. _I'm already nervous._

He finally clicked the icon for the webcam window to pop open and stared into the grainy image of himself.

_Who I used to be, who I never was. _He reminded, settling himself down comfortably before the webcam.

With another shaky breath, he began.

"H-Hi…I'm Logan Mitchell and I'm a girl."


	2. Chapter 1

Day 4 – 9:56am.

"So, hey, uh, Logan here, I'm sitting about the apartment." Logan carefully picked up the camera and filmed across the expanse of the apartment. Or at least as far his waist would allow him to turn, in his seated position.

"James is sleeping, Carlos is, uh, somewhere and Kendall is out by the pool, I think." The grainy image filmed the petit brunet pondering a moment, eyes casted to the window in the living space behind him. A sudden jerk in his position and he veered around to continue his thoughts.

"Oh and Mrs. Knight and Katie are by the pool," he finished with a smile.

"Alright… so this is diary entry number…four, so far I've come out to you about who I am…" Logan scratched the back of his head, "and uh, I know it's been a little empty, I haven't really told you why I said what I said so…"

He sat up straight and presented himself accordingly.

"I'm Logan Mitchell, presently I appear male, and have all the, uh, plumbing's of a male, but I'm female." He sighed heavily and bit his lower lip.

"It's hard to explain, verbally, obviously I feel how I feel, but I guess explaining it to you guys is…difficult."

"It's like this; my gender and my sex are to opposite things, actually it's different for everybody. I am of the male gender but I am female… get it?"

_Course not, how does somebody explain that they are female when they appear male?_

Out of frustration Logan slammed the laptop shut and shot up from his seat on the ground, before he stormed into his shared bedroom.

His divide of the room laid waste to a heap of shredded clothing, boxers, khaki shorts, graphic t-shirts. Anything that reminded Logan of his male attire was beaten into the carpeted bedroom floor.

Kendall's half of the room was tidier, family photos placed neatly on shelves and bedside tables, Hockey posters expanding from one wall to the next.

Logan sighed and plopped down onto his friend's bed. It felt unfair; Logan was battling with himself over his gender, while his best friend was out chasing anything in a skirt.

_When did that thought become so unappealing? _Logan pondered when the idea of chasing after a lovely girl for a fun night became boring and uninteresting? The more he thought about it, he realized he did most of those things because his friends were doing it. He felt obligated as a fellow male to join their fun.

But he wasn't male, he was female. He always knew somewhere, he felt out of place, uncomfortable in his skin.

_I guess it was a lot easier pushing it back in my mind with three guy friends…_He'd grown so accustomed to portraying a male, that while the female part was always there, the game of genders became habitual, and a lot easier than coming to terms with his true gender.

"Logan?" he heard Kendall call from the apartment entrance, "you here bud?"

Logan quickly got up from the others bed, and sprinted into the main living space, greeting his larger friend with a smile.

"Hey Kendall, come from the pool?" he asked, watching as the other male smiled in returned before heading to the fridge.

"Uh yeah, met Camille and Lucy down there," he pulled a soda from the fridge and popped the can open before walking back over to the brunet.

"Camille misses you, I think, she asked about you at least."

Logan's smile faltered, "Oh." He had completely forgotten, in his recent coming out, that not only did he still have to tell his friends, but his on and off again girlfriend too.

"I figured things weren't over between you two," Kendall teased, bumping the brunet on the shoulder before making his way to the orange sofa.

"Yeah," Logan joined him as he flicked on the TV, "about that, I'm thinking about ending it for good."

Kendall turned to him with a frown, "Huh, you guys seemed to be doing well though."

"Oh, uh, quite the opposite actually, we had a fight…the other night, pretty bad."

"Well I'm sorry Loges," the blond patted his shoulder kindly, "if it's not meant to be, than it's not meant to be, right?"

"Right…hey I'm going to go find Camille and talk to her, the sooner the better right?" he was already up off the couch before the blond could respond, making his way to the door.

However, as he quickly looked back, it seemed the blond had already tuned him out, gazed fixed on whatever was playing on the TV.

"Sure Loges, good luck."

Quickly slipping on his sneakers, Logan jogged down the hallway to the elevator. As soon as he reached the lobby, he scanned the area for the curly brunette, realistically, he had no intention of talking to Camille about their relationship, but more so about _other things._

_I should at least give her a heads up in case Kendall comes asking her about our official "break up"._

On his venture for her though, the vending machine caught his eye, particularly the sufficiently high amount of his favourite candy was stocked to. He dug into his pocket for some change, making his way over to the machine.

He punched in his selection and watched and waited as it was pushed from its contraption before dropping to the bottom. Subconsciously he read over the information on the back before he caught himself, shaking his head in confusion.

"What the hell was that?" he muttered, "most girls don't even read the back end."

"You're right, so it's even odder for you I'd say." The voice startled him and he jumped before catching himself and spinning to face the intruder.

"Lucy, hey!" he began nervously, "you heard that huh?"

"I did, so when Logan Mitchell started referring to himself as a girl?" she teased lightly, whisking past him to punch in her own order.

"I what-I haven't!" he exclaimed, eyes wide in fright.

Lucy chuckled, "relax Logan, I'm just teasing, besides, you'd probably make a very cute girl," she cooed, poking his nose.

"I wouldn't, that's… you think?" he asked gently.

Lucy looked a little surprised, "you care?"

"Well…uh...yeah, a little."

_I should tell someone, maybe, it could be a good thing right? I mean it's better than telling a computer screen every day. But maybe it's too soon…_

"Logan you ok? Lucy rested a hand on his forearm, "you can tell me about whatever is bothering you, you know."

"Lucy, uh, ok, uh, truth is…" he began.

"Truth is…I'm in love!" _OK, so maybe it wasn't the right time._

"Oh?"

"Yes – with you!"

The words were out of his mouth before he could even think about what he said, and he watched as Lucy's eyes nearly popped out of her head. Dread began creeping up his spine.

_Holy shit Logan Mitchell, what have you done?_

* * *

No comments on the first part, understandable I guess, it was only about a 100 word introduction. Maybe people don't like it? I mean you can flame me, but I will respond just as harshly, believe me. Criticism would be nice though. Chapters will get longer the more comfortable I get with free writing again.

Oh well, more to come soon. xo.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter dedicated to: **lilyreid **

* * *

Logan was at a loss for words. Lucy stood before him, frozen in place, her countenance a mix of panic and confusion. Logan figured he should do something before the girl went into a conniption.

"Lucy, Lucy please listen to me," with his hands out in front of him, Logan slowly backed away from the girl, a safe enough distance from any possible violent retaliation.

"I didn't mean what I said, it's - it's complicated."

Lucy slowly seemed to pull from her state of shock, and registered Logan standing before her. She approached him slowly, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

"Logan…where did this come from?"

"No, Lucy, I was not telling the truth, it's a bit more complicated so I-"

"Well please do explain, cause I'm a little lost!" Logan realized the girl was back to normal, and began to explain himself the best way he could.

"Look Lucy, I'm sorry for throwing that at you, but the truth would…probably be a lot freakier."

The look of disbelief Lucy gave him finally did things in. He was done tip-toeing around with his secret, someone needed to know.

He sighed in defeat before gazing around the lobby.

"Come with me." He grabbed her arm and pulled her out towards the Palm Woods Park. He found an empty bench, conveniently displaced from the shuffle of children and adults, and he sat them down.

"OK." Lucy sounded confused.

"Lucy, what I should have told you, or have told anyone really – I'm mean, now having you find out because of _a candy wrapper_?"

"So stupid of me, seriously –"

"Logan…"

"Of all the things I could have planned-"

"Logan!" Lucy shouted gripping onto his forearm and squeezing, "I understand, your secrets big, I forgive you for earlier, now, explain."

Pulling from her grip, Logan turned to look the opposite way.

"Lucy, I'm a girl" he mumbled softly, clasping his hands together over his lap, face still turned away.

"…what?"

Silence followed, the faint chirrupy voices of children echoed all the way over to them, the smell of corndogs from the food wagon wafted under their noses and the sun rested high in the sky above it all, an audience member to the life stories of over eight billion people.

Including Logan's.

What Logan had failed to realize up until now, was that his story pulled away from the realm of normalcy, he did not fall into the adventure of the romantics. No, because as of yet, Logan was not himself, he was stuck, stuck in a body that didn't belong to him. A body that played its own game of life and just took Logan along for the ride.

"Please refer to me as 'she' from now on Lucy, and please don't tell anyone." He sighed, realizing once more, that he had a long list of people to explain his situation to.

"Logan, I'm sorry, I don't understand." Lucy still sounded confused; maybe even a little upset, her voice soft but withering.

"I've always been a girl, but I'm stuck in this," Logan pulled at his shirt angrily, "body, and I need to get out."

"Logan, how did you come to a decision like this?" Lucy uttered in disbelief, and it set something off in Logan.

"I didn't come to a 'decision' Lucy; I've been stuck in this… shit my entire life." Logan could feel the tears well up in his eyes, so simply frustrated all over again.

He had dealt with this all before. Before the videos, before Big Time Rush, but he was younger than, and telling his parents he was a "girl" and missing their looks of shock and despair completely escaped him at the time. It was until the tests began, that he finally understood what he meant in his words. Ones that he'd spoken so clearly and with abandon, then finally made sense to him.

He was not just some kid, running his mouth to get a kick out of his parents, he was transgender. Those words he spoke were true and real and what Logan was, was the same. Logan Mitchell was a girl, and there was no running away.

Drifting back in from his thoughts, he found the spot next to him vacant and his heart dropped. The cheery echo of children's laughter still traveled from the other side of the park but Logan fell into a numb silence.

Lucy had left. That meant Camille would leave, and so would James and Carlos and Kendall. Everyone would not understand and Logan would be left alone.

Logan felt the tears travel down his neck before it registered in his brain that he was crying. He wiped viciously at his eyes with his forearm. _Boys don't cry. _

_But you're not a boy._

There it was again. The vicious cycle Logan liked to call his life. Every ounce of his suddenly regretted saying anything to Lucy.

"I'm back at square one." He mumbled, flopping back against the bench.

Back at square one meaning him and his parents being the only ones aware of his 'condition'. Where his parents quickly shipped him off to Los Angeles with his friends in hopes he would get this all out of his systems or provide them with the time to come to terms with their son – or daughter.

Daughter, Logan was their _daughter_.

He laughed loudly at the idea, stretching his head back against the bench. The sky was turning a beautiful pink as it seeped into the blue of mid-afternoon sun. Logan briefly wondered how long he had been sitting out here, stuck in his own mind.

The kids still played in the park under their parents' watchful eye, but the crowd was thinning now and Logan figured he get inside too before the mosquitos came out.

* * *

Walking back through the Palm Woods resort, Logan noticed sitting by the edge of pool with Camille, feet dangling in the water. He made to go by unnoticed, with his head down, but was called out by the every-friendly Camille.

"Logan, hey!" she called, waving her arm to get his attention from lobby. Logan looked up from his shoes and smiled meekly, not missing Lucy's all-knowing look over her shoulder.

"Come here, sit with us!" Camille waved him over with her arm and then patted the spot next to her.

Logan reached the door of the lobby but did not venture out. The sky was getting darker now, and the lights around the pool had come on. Camille and Lucy were the only ones who sat around it, anyone remaining was cozied up with their usual groups by seating areas.

"Sorry, I have to head up," he pointed above him to gesture to apartments; "Mrs. Knight made dinner" he lied. He wasn't even sure what time it was.

"Oh, okay, see you Logan." Camille waved him off and turned her attention back to her companion.

But as Logan walked away, he felt the eyes on his back and realized it was either Lucy, or Lucy and Camille – after being told his deepest secret.

* * *

Arriving back at 2J, Logan found his thoughtless timing to be correct. Mrs. Knight was setting the last few dishes of food on the table, while Katie at the guys were circled around the TV playing video games.

Any min—

"Dinner time!"

Logan watched as Carlos literally dived from his spot on the couch, to the floor, on his feet, and bulleted to his usual spot at the table. His plate filled with food mere seconds later.

"Logan you're back!" Mrs. Knight announced cheerfully, slipping off her oven mitts and setting them on the counter. "I was about to send Kendall after you."

Logan chuckled, "I had my cellphone on me Mrs. Knight, calling would have been just fine."

Mrs. Knight gave him a funny look. "I did call you Logan, multiple times, so did the guys."

Realization hit and Logan suddenly felt both embarrassed and guilty.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Knight, you're right, I just had my cellphone off," he lied.

Making his way over to the table, Logan sat down between Katie and Kendall, "sorry guys, I guess I missed your calls." He looked at his friends, who gazed back thoughtfully for a moment before returning to their meals.

"Meet someone maybe?" Kendall teased, nudging him with his elbow lightly. Logan sighed at this, and jerked away, reaching for his food.

He missed the look Katie gave him as he began to engage himself in conversation with his friends.

"Logan." Katie spoke up suddenly, cutting through their loud banter.

He looked over at the girl kindly. Still eyeing James and Carlos escalating chicken piece fight amusedly.

"Yeah Katie?"

"Can you help me with some homework later?" The question held to undertones, but as Logan turned his attention towards the younger girl, he knew something was up.

"Uh…sure" he replied slowly, and Katie beamed brightly.

"Thanks."

* * *

I'm sorry to end it here today...but I'm hungry. It's 10:30 and I haven't had dinner! So I will go eat. Updates to come soon..? I may start a little something else that came to me the other day while at the orthodontist..yes, the orthodontist, in the waiting room to be precise. We shall see! This will most likely not come until next week sometime. One more exam to conquer!

Until then! xo


	4. Chapter 3

After dinner, Katie gathered all of her notebooks and pencils from her bag and called Logan from his seat in the living room.

Logan looked up at the young girl with mild surprise, he had completely forgotten about her request at dinner. He had planned to spend the evening buried into a myriad of medical journals, pushing _all_ other thoughts out the window for the night.

At least that was how it worked for him back in Minnesota. His parents watched him warily when he was in their presence, otherwise he would stuff himself in his room for all hours and just forget everything in piles of school work.

When out with his friends he'd hide his thoughts in laughter, pulling pranks, playing hockey. Anything of male or masculine directed variety, Logan would push himself into, while ignoring that taunting voice in the back of his mind.

_You know you're not like them. _

And he wasn't. Logan was not one to preach about the differences in males and females. He didn't believe in the boundaries of 'boys should play sports' and 'girls should bake cookies'. It was nothing like that. But he knew full well that while his friends boasted and raved about their...nether regions, Logan had preferred to pass over that discussion and talk about anything else.

He once thought he could easily pass that off as finding it weird to talk about... dicks with his friends as normal, but that voice never let him slip by.

_It has nothing to do with familiarity. It's all about you not wanting what you have._

That made more sense to him after a while, figuring as the more his friends brought up the subject, the more he felt urged to punch them or scream in frustration.

_Just leave it alone, shut up!_

"Logan?" Katie stood before him now, inches from his face. Startled Logan stumbled from the couch and onto the floor, earning a laugh from his friends.

"What's the matter there Logie?" James teased, helping his friend up from the floor. Logan blushed as Katie gave him an odd look, not falling into jeers like the older boys.

"C'mon Katie." Logan quietly escorted her to her room, ignoring his friends slowly quelling from their fit of laughter.

* * *

Katie and Mrs. Knights room was definitely a large contrast from the four boys. While it wasn't overtly girly, it was sophisticated. Katie's side of the room was tapered with soft baby blue bedding and littered with a few stuffed animals. It was sweet, and cute.

Katie lead Logan over to her work desk and took a seat, Logan sitting across form her at the edge of her bed.

"So Katie what did you-"

"What's eating you?" Katie cut him off quickly, spinning around in the desk chair, notebooks easily forgotten on the furniture.

"What are you talking about?" Logan threw her a look of confusion, but the young girl was not having any of it. From the moment Logan had stepped into the apartment that evening, Katie knew something was up.

"I want to know what's bugging you, the other guys are obviously acting a little clueless to realize somethings not right with you."

Logan sighed, he should have known with Katie Knight. He felt warmed by the fact that she desired to know what was wrong, but the last thing Logan was going to do was unload his problems on a ten-year-old.

"It's nothing serious Katie, don't worry" He gave her a kind smile. But the look quickly changed as the young girl crouched in her seat and reached under her desk, picked up a stuffed lion and roughly pelted it at him.

"Tell me!" she shouted as the stuffed animal bounced off his face and landed to the floor.

Put-out by the childish actions Logan stood with a peeved expression and marched to the door, making to exit. He also should have known better; Katie was still a kid, when someone said no, you certainly didn't pelt stuffed creatures at them to get an answer.

"I'm sorry Katie" he began, "but unless you're asking for help with school work, I'm not playing this game anymore." He made to walk out the door, but collided with a smaller body on the way out.

"Is everything- Logan?" Mrs. Knight looked up at him in mild surprise as she came through the doorway.

"Hey Mrs. Knight, I was just helping Katie with some homework-"

"Logan, my Mom's worried too!" Katie cried.

By her daughters sudden outburst, Mrs. Knight gave Logan an enquiring look. "Is everything alright Logan?"

Defeated, and facing two stubborn women, Logan dropped lazily onto Mrs. Knights bed, ringing his hands.

"Mrs. Knight, Katie, as much as I would love to tell you, my problem is a little...odd." Logan gazed up at his friends mother sadly, hoping she would understand.

This was not something he wanted to share, at least not in the company of a ten-year-old kid. If Mrs. Knight wanted to know, he would probably tell her, but he'd never want to put Katie through any of this. Not now at least, not when he wasn't sure were things were going.

Luckily Mrs. Knight, being ever the Super Mom, understood his worries.

"Katie, why don't you go join the other boys with their movie?" It was said as a question, but both Logan and Katie understood it was more of a demand. Figuring it was better not to argue with her mother, the young girl quietly exited the room, throwing Logan one last curious glance.

"Mrs. Knight, I'm sorry about that" Logan started once he heard the girls voice over from the living room, a safe distance from their conversation, "I never meant to have Katie believe anything was wrong."

"But something is wrong, isn't it?" Mrs. Knight took a seat beside him on the foot of her bed.

Still wringing his fingers Logan shuddered, "Yeah, sorta."

Mrs. Knight smiled at the young boy, "and this is not a 'coming out' sort of thing." It wasn't a question and Logan chuckled, grinning at the woman.

"I wish it was that simple" he muttered, feeling a pressure on his knee, he looked down to see Mrs. Knight give his thigh a comforting squeeze.

"Logan, I remember when you boys were kids, coming over everyday, meeting at the rink during the winter," she smiled at the memory, "and I knew by the time Kendall was ten, he had really lucked out with friends like you."

"You're all so different: Carlos was always so active and adventurous, James was just as active but tidier..." she took hold of his chin and made him look into her eyes, "and then Kendall met you and I knew that you would fit so perfectly into their friendship; you were kind and thoughtful."

"Thank you Mrs. Knight."

"That's why I want you to feel comfortable, what ever you're dealing with is not going to change how you friends feel about you, they need you, like you need them."

"Mrs. Knight, I'm more worried about how they would...react." The more Logan thought about it, the more it sounded like he was coming out to her, but not about what he wanted and it was getting frustrating

"About you being female?"

And suddenly she was Super Mom again.

Logan was stunned, he was sure that he gave off no signs about his issues, after his meltdown over his clothing, he had shoved them back away into their cupboards. His video diaries stored under a private folder on his laptop, not that he'd ever think Mrs. Knight would go through their laptops.

"It took me a little while, but I finally understood when I found one of my magazines tangled in your bedsheets."

Logan blushed brightly, he had completely forgotten about the clothing magazines. Just weeks before his first video diary, Logan broke and took one of Mrs. Knights magazines into bed with him. With a few pieces of paper, he'd left small notes over his favourite picks, which he would buy and which he would not.

He liked to call it his 'highs' and 'lows'. Every once and a while, Logan went through these moods, the 'lows' were like his clothing meltdown. It was a time were he favoured fighting his problems, throwing small tantrums and eventually succumbing to exhaustion or tears. He had battled with quite a few 'lows' back in Minnesota.

That night with the magazine was a 'high' for Logan. Probably one of the best he's had in months perhaps. He had mulled over all the splendid details of his life if he had come out and the world was all okay with it. If his friends would all accept him and his parents didn't shun the matter entirely. Going through that magazine brought him the same joy he felt being with his friends, except on a level were he was female and instead of being another 'brother', he was a 'sister' and everything was still the same.

"I didn't mean to take it Mrs. Knight, I'm sorry." he mumbled, feeling embarrassed.

Mrs. Knight laughed kindly, "Logan, I don't care about the magazine, I care about you." Her expression changed to one laden with motherly concern.

"How much do your parents know?"

Logan sighed for the umpteenth time, "basically everything" he shrugged, "but I get the impression that they rather not know anything."

It was quiet for a moment, and Logan suddenly feared Mrs. Knight would ask him to get it out in the open, tell his friends.

"Why don't we call your parents and talk to them about this, maybe even you could start seeing someone?" Again a demand naturally disguised as a question.

"Mrs. Knight, I can't talk myself out of this..." Logan suddenly felt angry, "is that what you want me to do? Pretend I am who I'm not?" He hadn't realized he stood up until his hand wrapped around the cold metal of the doorknob. _When was the door shut?_

"No Logan, no, no!" Suddenly Mrs. Knight was in his face, "I would never, ever have you do something like that." She grabbed his hand and pulled him back over to the bed.

"I want you to start seeing a therapist because this is not something...your situation is a little different and I understand." She squeezed his fingers.

"Logan, I want to help you be you in the best way I can." her voice was strain and Logan realized she was crying.

"Mrs. Knight-"

"For some people this is easier I guess, but you're hurting; I can see that, Katie can see that...and being in this industry you boys have gotten involved in, is going to only make this harder for you."

"Mrs. Knight..." Logan saw his vision blur and the sudden rush of emotions: relief, confusion, exhaustion and pain crippled him until he felt into her arms, head buried into her collarbone.

This incredible woman was his saving grace. His parents had ignored him, Lucy had walked out on him, and his friends, as much as he adored them, would only add to his burden right now.

Mrs. Knight, he should have gone to her first, years ago. She'd always been just as much of a parents as his actual parents. Often even more so.

"We're going to contact your parents and they are going to learn to understand that this is not something they can postpone," she clutched his face between her gentle hands, "they're going to realize that they have a beautiful little girl who needs them."

Her words broke Logan all over again and he sagged in her palms.

"Thank-thank you, so-so much, Mrs. Knight" he blubbered, his eyes stung from crying and his nose felt wet.

Bloodshot eyes met his own. "You're more than welcome, sweetheart."

* * *

Few days later, Logan sat at the island counter, watching as Mrs. Knight spoke on the phone with his parents.

Carlos and James were at their usual spot down by the pool, while Katie was in class and Kendall was in the shower.

"I understand your confusion Mrs. Mitchell, but imagine how Logan feels."

Logan's parents, despite their hesitance and past action on the subject of gender, were slowly coming to with the reality of their son being female and not male. His mother was a little more adamant to it, but his father was surprisingly fast growing to his 'daughter'.

Logan chalked it up to his father secretly always wanting a daughter. Logan only had a only brother and he expected his parents wished for a girl once they had tried for another.

He smiled into his cereal. _They got their wish._

"I know, thank you Mrs. Mitchell, yes, were going to get on that right away." Mrs. Knight said goodbye and quickly hung up. She rested back against the counter, gazing at Logan eating his cereal.

"I'm sorry Hun, did you want to speak to them?"

Logan shook his head, "No it's fine, I'm sure Dad has to get to work and Mom has other things to do."

"They do love you Logan, so much." Logan sensed she thought he was being a little hostile and looked up at her.

"I know Mrs. Knight, I'm really glad their dealing with this so well all the sudden, thank you again." He sniffled and wiped his nose, "I have no idea were I'd be if it weren't for you."

Mrs. Knight smiled, "it's only half the battle sweetheart" she pushed off the counter and stood before him, "how do you feel about going with me today to find you someone good?"

Logan bit his lip and looked back down at his cereal, "can we wait a little? I think we could get some serious help from Gustavo but... I want to wait, just for a little." The look he gave her hoped she wouldn't press the issue of him finding a shrink.

Of course Logan wanted to get all this mumbo jumbo out of the way, he wanted to fling his clothing out the window and go shopping for skinny jeans and frilly tops. But he knew that was a long way down the road, and required more than just the help of a therapist.

"I was thinking maybe...when we find a therapist, we could find a good Doctor too, like, a plastic surgeon?" his last words were mumbled, but by the look on Mrs. Knights face, she had heard.

She nodded slowly, in deep thought, not looking his way. Logan became tense, Mrs. Knight had been so supportive, but he completely disregarded the fact, that maybe, even with her full support he was moving-

A tight embrace broke his panicked reverie. Mrs. Knight crushed him her hold rocking slightly. Logan sat still until she broke the hug.

"Of course Logan, of course, but are you sure? Were going to have to speak to your parents as well."

"More than sure, Mrs. Knight, I've been fighting who I am my entire life, and I don't want to anymore."

"Absolutely, okay so we have the therapist and the surgeon" she began listing things on her fingers, "but we will wait a few days, right?" she looked up at him for conformation.

"Yes." Logan answered finitely.

"Wait a few days for what?" Both bodies spun around in surprise as Kendall ventured into the kitchen. He had a towel slung over his naked chest, rubbing one end over his ear to dry.

"Nothing honey" Mrs. Knight responded automatically and scanned the boy up and down. "Go put on a shirt, it's-" she realized were her words were heading and stopped.

"Why?" Kendall chuckled, "it's just you and Logan." He gestured to his friend sitting at the island, reaching over the counter for a fist-pump greeting.

Logan halfheartedly met him halfway, not missing Mrs. Knight's sympathetic look over her sons shoulder.

"You're right Kendall, it's just me and your Mom" he smiled sheepishly, "nothing to worry about."

Kendall smiled at his friend, "I'm going to grab a quick bite and head down to the pool with the others, you gonna come?" he was already grabbing items out of the fridge before Logan could respond.

Logan threw Mrs. Knight a quick look. "Sure, I'm just going to have a quick shower myself."

Kendall nodded, "Okay, I'll wait up for you."

Logan stood up, "awesome, thanks." He placed his bowl in the sink, filling it with hot water to soak, before exiting the kitchen, his friend occupying his previous spot.

"Oh Logan wait dear, I need to grab a few things from the bathroom cupboard." She jogged ahead of him and gestured for him to follow.

Once in the bathroom she placed her finger over her lip for him to be quiet, before nodding at him to speak.

"I can't tell the guys yet Mrs. Knight, Gustavo and Kelly will have to come first." It pained him not telling his friends what was going on with him, but he wanted everything settled before he did.

Mrs. Knight nodded, "I have to agree, Gustavo is going to be your key to opening other doors, he needs to know, and soon."

"Monday? Next Monday, it's only four days away" Logan negotiated, "and me and the guys are only in the studio for some quick recording for the new album."

"Yes, but it has to be Monday honey, think about how you coming out is going to effect that new album."

Logan groaned, "I know, I know. Monday, were doing this." He swallowed nervously, "were doing this." he repeated.

Mrs. Knight, sensing his apprehension, hugged him tightly. "You can do this sweetheart, everything will fall in place in good time."

* * *

I did say it would be longer, no? While I'm happier with the length, I do feel I'm still exploring a lot of emotions and making very little action. All in due time I guess, I can't just skip ahead for my own excitement. Although writing the emotions I find very fun as well. So my self-argument is moot. Anyway, I hoped you liked it, as always, please review.


	5. Chapter 4

**You guys make me smile.**

* * *

Sitting at the kitchen island, Kendall chewed away at his breakfast. His head cradled in his left palm as his right hand twirled the spoon through his cereal.

His mind wandered back to the events of the day before. Kendall had met Lucy and Camille down by the pool, a regular happenstance among their group of friends, but something was off, specifically with Lucy.

Kendall knew of the girls growing affection for him, and had grown accustomed to her light flirting. A wink here, a subtle eyeing there. However, yesterday the girl seemed to go to all lengths to avoid having eye contact with him. Camille, ever the bubbly oddball girl she was, rambled on and on to him about future plans and meet-ups, but the rocker chick beside her remained silent, eyes trained on other occupants of the pool area.

It not so much frustrated Kendall, but confused him. People did not simply do a one-eighty over night, not unless something significant happened, that affected Lucy's regular behaviour. Kendall had already spoken to James and Carlos in private about it, and they had little idea as to what was going on with their new friend. In fact, they were wondering along the same lines as Kendall. So with no one left to go to but their resident genius, Kendall waited for him that morning.

"Ready to go?" A voice from his left piped up, Kendall lifted his head from his cereal bowl to take in his genius friends appearance.

The boy had clearly showered, his dark hair still damp but he was dressed in a pair of swim-shorts and a plain blue t-shirt, ready for the pool.

Kendall smiled, stood up, and dropped his bowl in the sink with the rest of the breakfast dishes. He turned to his friend with a kind smile and nodded, "let's get going."

Both boys slipped on their shoes, and with a quick shout of "goodbye" to Mrs. Knight, were out the door and down the hall.

The commute to the lobby was silent. Kendall eyed the smaller boy out of the corner of his eye, taking his is calm and content expression.

"You seem pretty happy." Kendall prompted, stabbing the elevator button to go down. His friend glanced up at him and smiled shyly.

"Yeah, uh, just, you know, it's a nice day." His answer sounded sincere, after all, it was a beautiful day and that did often project to ones moods. At least Kendall once thought he heard the smart boy mention it.

"Yeah...did something happen between you and Camille?"

"Oh uh, no actually, I still have to speak with her." The dark haired boy rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, walking into the elevator behind the blond as it 'dinged' upon arrival.

"You should tell her soon, man." Kendall's eyes roamed the the steel car, "did Lucy mention anything to you - about me?" His eyes dropped to the brunet and he frowned as a horrified expression took over the smaller boys face.

"Logan?"

"D-did she say something to you?" Logan gulped and eyed the tall blond nervously.

"No, but she's been acting weird lately, James and Carlos noticed too, but they don't know what's wrong with her," his brow furrowed, "why, do you?"

"Uh..." The ding upon their arrival interrupted Logan's train of thought and he took the moment to bolt out of the elevator.

"Logan!" He faintly heard Kendall call from behind him, but Logan's mind was running a mile a minute and had only one destination in mind.

_Lucy._

He careened around the Palm Woods lobby and exited the main door, heading for the park. His eyes nervously spanned across the the expanse of the green park, not finding sight of the dark-haired girl.

She couldn't. _He_ couldn't, he wouldn't let her. He'd do everything to stop her. If Lucy was even thinking about telling his friends what he had confided in her...it both angered and terrified him. He had to stop her, get to her and tell her _straight_.

He peddled backwards into the Palm Woods lobby, exiting through to the pool this time. Relief flooding his system as he spotted Lucy on a lounge chair in the far right corner.

Logan jogged over to the girl, slowing as he came to stand beside her. Lucy pulled her glasses back as a shadow suddenly blocked her sun, meeting Logan's eyes.

She quickly pulled her glasses back down.

"Lucy."

Logan could see the girl visibly gulp, digging into a bag beside her seat and pulling out a magazine.

"Lucy." Logan's tone was stern, no room for argument, his fists clenched at his side. _He didn't have time for this._

With a sigh, Lucy dropped the magazine onto her stomach and looked up at Logan through her glasses.

"Yes, Logan?" Her words sounded innocent, but to Logan she was just trying to buy time. Time to come up with a few excuses to muddle out, before running away. But this was not a game for Logan, he wasn't going to play hide-and-seek anymore. This was his life, this was happening and this girl was going to get a clue, or bud out.

"You haven't said anything to the guys about...what I told you, have you?" Logan tried to voice out his question in a strong, irrefutable tone, but he wavered, the subject was still touchy. He felt that the conversation would really either make or break his friendship with the rocker chick.

He just had to make sure, either-or, Lucy would not rat him out to the guys.

Lucy's brow furrowed, dipping under the glass lens. "Why would I tell them something like that?"

Logan was truly a little surprised by her response, he had half expected her to sneer in disgust and then proceed to run around the Palm Woods pool, belting it out to their fellow occupants.

But their sat Lucy, decked out in a summer dress, magazine in her lap and sunglasses over her eyes, as calm as ever.

"You're not..."

"Spilling a secret that's not mine to tell?" she gazed at him with disbelief, "that's not really something I'd do, Logan."

"I-"

"I mean sure, I was a little weird-ed out in the moment, but I guess...it makes sense?"

Logan sat on the edge of the lounge chair, by her feet. "Lucy, you got up and left."

Biting at her lower lip, Lucy cast her gaze anywhere but Logan as she sat up, magazine falling to her side.

"I know..." she licked her lower lip, still not looking up at him, "I'm sorry for that...I freaked out."

"Well, I figured," something in Logan's stomach churned and he suddenly felt very anxious, "how do you feel about, _it_, now?"

At this point, Logan had only outright confessed himself with Mrs. Knight, and the woman had accepted him with open arms. With his parents it had been more of an automatic impulse, a young child going to their parents with a question or a problem.

This, Lucy sitting before him, would be his second outright, fully willed confession. That day in the park had set him back hundreds of steps, but Mrs. Knight had veered him forward, and now, here he was.

Lucy sighed, "Logan, I'm going to be honest with you," she finally rose her eyes to meet his gaze, "I understand the whole mechanics of a...transsexual person, I'm just having a hard time figuring out why you're like this."

Logan began to respond but the girl quickly cut him off.

"I'm just wondering, not that you being transsexual bothers me out or anything, but, just...why?" she finished her statement with a petulant shrug, crossing her arms in front of her.

With a fixed gaze, Logan snorted, "Lucy if I knew where this all began, and I mean really, if I knew where my desire to be a girl came from," he turned his gaze off to the side, voice dropping to a whisper, "I'd fix it, right now."

They rested in a moment of silence before Lucy sat upright, grasping onto Logan's shoulders.

"Well I'm here for you," she smiled, "I can't say that I'll be so incredibly forward with everything at first, but you're my friend and I want to learn – for you."

Wanting to save himself the embarrassment of crying in public, Logan quickly hugged the girl tightly before promptly exiting the pool area.

He made his way to the lobby's bathroom, planning to gather his wits before heading back out to find his friends and do some damage control on the recent 'Lucy issue'.

_At least I know she has my back now. _The pleasant thought calmed his nerves enough for him to come back out of the washroom later, with a bright, confident smile.

As he gazed around the lobby, in search of his rambunctious male friends his thoughts drifted off.

_Monday I tell Gustavo and Kelly...it's important, for the band._ _The guys..._

Telling his friends would possibly be the most nerve-wracking and terrifying, thing he would ever have to do. He could never hurt them, make the feel uncomfortable like that, it would kill him.

_What will it do to our friendship if they don't like me as I am?_

No.

He had to stay positive, he was riding high today and if he kept on smiling, he could make it through.

_I would have to tell them soon after Gustavo...it'd be too easy for them to find out on their own afterwards. I need to be the one to tell them._

Looking straight ahead, Logan heaved in a large breath of air and marched forward. He tunnelled through the lobby's occupants, back out to the pool. He spotted his friends now seated at their usual spots by the pool and continued forward without looking back.

Logan Mitchell was a new man today – no,he was a woman - and he was going to break the shell of his former self and come out on top. No more hiding.

* * *

Camille sat comfortably perched in a cabana seat, reading over the lines for her latest audition. Away today were her extravagant costumes to fit their part, no, today Camille reclined in a fitted grey tank top and baby blue jean shorts.

She had been studying the script for the better part of the afternoon when she felt herself start to wander off, taking in the different scenes before her.

As usual Guitar Dude sat along the ledge of a potted-plant, strumming away on his guitar, almost unaware of the clump of females surrounding him, drinking in his every note.

By the pool, Camille smiled as she spotter three of the four boys of Big Time Rush in their usual lounge chairs, chatting happily while catching some sun.

Her eyes wandered from them in search on their final member and friend. Her gazed travelled the entire pool area until she finally spotted him, seated at the edge of Lucy's lounge chair. She frowned as she fully took in the scene.

Logan's shoulders were hunched over, his frame only regarding the female sitting before him. Lucy seemed nervous, her head jerked from side to side as the brunet spoke to her in whispers, only meeting his gaze at a few sequences.

To Camille, the scene looked oddly...intimate. Which was an strange find between the two, especially since Camille was well aware of Lucy's fondness for Kendall.

Camille's frown deepened, and did not let up until Logan rose from the lounge chair, visibly less anxious and strutted out of the Palm Woods pool area.

Acting fast, Camille ran from the cabana over to Lucy. She grabbed her friend by the wrist and practically drug Lucy over to the cabana, ripping the curtains shut behind her.

She spun on her heel to face the confused rocker, jabbing a finger in her face.

"Talk, now." The words weren't meant to be so menacing as serious, but Lucy's eyes widened nonetheless, giving the other brunet a risen eyebrow.

"What was that between you and Logan?" She demanded

At the mention of the brunet boy, Lucy began biting her lip, turning her head around the cabana, possibly surveying a quick exit. She had been worried someone would see them.

"Lucy...is there something going on with you two?" Camille's voice sounded borderline desperate and Lucy sighed.

"I'm really not liking today." She mumbled out, dropping into one the two cabana seats and looked up at the actress.

Gnawing once more at her lower-lip, she studied Camille, wondering where to begin.

"Look...I know how you still feel about Logan," she held up a hand when Camille went to protest, "but this is really a serious matter and no, it's nothing about Logan and me."

Ignoring the others girls gaze Camille dropped into the seat opposite her, playing with the edges of her script all crumpled and covered in coffee stains.

"Logan used to come to me with his problems." Camille whined, pouting into her fist.

Lucy simply rolled her eyes, "Camille, this is not really a usual topic of conversation," she said, "this is more about...his future?"

"What? The Doctor thing?" Camille looked confused, "we talk about that all the time."

"No more about...other stuff." Lucy couldn't find a word to describe it.

"What other stuff?"

"Camille..."

"Tell me!"

Lucy shot up from her seat, and for a moment Camille thought she was going to make a run for it, but the rocker simply walked to the entrance, pulled back the curtains, stuck her head out, and then pulled back in.

"What are you doing?" Camille asked warily, eyeing the girl carefully encase she did make a run for it.

Lucy ripped the curtains shut again and joined Camille back in her seat, leaning over the table into the actresses face.

Camille jerked back slightly but the other brunette tugged her forward and whispered.

"You have to promise, _promise_, not to breath a word to _anyone_ about this," she took in a heavy breath, "Logan's transsexual."

"What?" Camille was stunned, that was certainly not what she was expecting to hear.

"Logan's a girl – and you can't tell anyone!"

"W-what- when did you find about this?"

"Few days ago, Logan confided in me at the park." The memory was a sour one, Lucy felt a little guilty for running from the boy when he needed her most.

Camille shakily stood from her seat, shaking her head. "No, no, no you're just playing with me." She grabbed her script and marched to the entrance of the cabana, ripping the curtains back.

"I'm going to ask the guys, they would know what's really going on." She stormed off, ignoring Lucy's flush of panic as the girl jumped from her seat.

"Camille! Camille no!" she ran after the girl, but Camille ran as well, around the pool, ignoring the odd looks from passerby's.

"Camille-!"

"Kendall! Kendall I need to speak with you!" Camille shouted, making her way before the three boys.

Kendall carefully rose from his lounge chair and faced the oddball brunette.

"Everything okay Camille?" The girl eyed his friends behind him and he quickly figured she was looking for -

"Why is Lucy saying Logan is a girl?"

"No!" Lucy cried, running from behind Camille, and grabbing her around the waist. She tried tugging the actress back with her, but Camille fought back aggressively, elbowing the rocker in the gut, struggling to break her hold.

"I'm sorry, Logan is a _what_?" Kendall responded with disbelief, blatantly ignoring the tussle going on before him, sharing a look with his friends still seated in their lounge chairs.

"Lucy said - stop Lucy! - that Logan is transsexual."

Just as Kendall was going to respond with another bout of disbelief, a gasp from their right interrupted them. Logan stood there, shell-shocked, frozen in place. His hand came up to cover his mouth as his eyes darted between each of his friends.

Forgetting about Camille, Lucy ripped her arms away and approached the devastated brunet. "Logan I'm so, so, sorry, I didn't think she'd react that way."

Logan simply shook his head, spun around and ran back into the lobby. His friends watched him helplessly until he was out of sight, when Lucy turned back onto Camille.

"Are you an idiot? I told you not to tell!" she shouted at the actress who was in a midst of tears. Logan's expression said it all, it was true, Lucy hadn't lied.

Said female had turned her attention onto the boys, watching the various emotions run across their face.

"Lucy..." Kendall spoke up softly, "what's going on with Logan?"

Looking up at the blond, Lucy saw the devastation in his eyes and she didn't have to look away to know the other two wore the same expression.

She knew there was no going back on this moment, the lives of Logan and his friends had been forever changed. The boys relationship completely ripped apart in the span of a few lousy minutes – and it was all her fault.

* * *

Deary me, I'd say we've punctured the hole in the subject of 'cheesy drama' - hooray! I apologize, this chapter came a bit later than usual (I think?) but I've been working last week and all weekend and today...so I was feeling a little lazy. I was going to save this for tomorrow, but I felt like writing today instead! I am just so spontaneous...

Please Review!


	6. Chapter 5

**I'm not thoroughly thrilled with this chapter. It took me a while to write, but it's still shorter than the usual length. I'll make it up next time! **

* * *

Logan's mind spun, scenarios upon scenarios twisting and melding together to form one conclusive ending.

Disgust.

He swung the door open to the apartment and darted straight into his shared room, ignoring Mrs. Knight as she called after him.

Once in his room, Logan slammed the door shut and fell back against it. He slid to the floor and brought his knees up against his chest.

He couldn't cry, he was too scared, frustrated and angry. Everything he had began to work for, the confidence he was slowly starting to build, all of it, gone before he could get a real taste of it.

A hesitant knocking at the door cut through his thoughts and Logan quietly sighed.

"I'm sorry for barging in like that Mrs. Knight, I-"

"It's Kendall."

Unconsciously, Logan sucked in a heavy breath, hands clutched together at his chest.

"...What is it Kendall?"

"Can we talk, please?" the response was immediate, and sounded with urgency. But Logan feared what would become of their friendship if they took the time to talk about it.

"No." He finally responded quietly.

What followed from the other side of the door, sounded like a litany of mumbled curses from his blond friend that was soon joined by the voices of his other two friends. It went on for few minutes, a battle of hushed whispers before a feminine voice broke the tussle, silencing everyone.

"Boys! Enough!" Hissed Mrs. Knight. More knocking sounded against the bedroom door. "Logan, open this door right now."

Mrs. Knight wasn't playing around. Logan stood up slowly and turned around to pull the door open.

He was met with an unwavering gaze from four pairs of eyes, and all he wanted to do was close the door and hide once more.

"Logan..." Kendall began, slowly approaching the short brunet. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Logan shrunk back, "say what? Hey guys I'm actually a girl, I hope you don't mind."

James snorted, earning himself a sharp glare from Mrs. Knight that quickly silenced any other remarks.

"Really Kendall, how I am supposed to expect you to react?" Logan's voice rose in anger, "when all you guys do is chase the prettiest girls around the Palm Woods, looking all googly-eyed!"

"You do those things too!" Kendall shouted in return, "you've been doing it just as long as we have, you're not any exception!"

"That's what you're not getting dumb ass!" Logan marched forward until he was in the taller boys face. "I don't want to do those things, I don't like doing them, I-I-"

"Then why not say anything? Why pretend to be someone else just to-"

"Be someone else? Kendall are you insane?" Logan pressed his hands roughly against the taller boys chest, shoving him back. "I am me Kendall, I always have been. What I'm pretending to be is something else for you, all of you!" He stomped over to the blond and shoved him again. "I was doing all this for _you_!"

Things began to escalate and Mrs. Knight found it crucial she intervene. Logan was was in no means a weakling, but her son had a temper with a strength to match. Just as that glint of anger entered the blond boys eye, Mrs. Knight stepped in between them.

"Kendall honey, please go sit down in your room, take a breather." Kendall gazed around his mother to his dark-haired friend, glaring at him menacingly, but followed his mothers instruction.

"C'mon guys, I need to speak to you." Kendall left the room, motioning for his two friends to follow. Once the bedroom door slammed shut, Mrs. Knight turned to Logan.

"Are you okay?" she grasped him by the shoulder, leading him to one of the seats at the kitchen island.

Logan only sighed heavily, dropping into the seat, "I don't know Mrs. Knight."

Sitting down across from the boy, Mrs. Knight took his hands in hers, waiting for the boy to continue.

Logan glanced up at the woman and sighed again. "It's just, I had everything all figured out and now it's all ruined." He took in another shaky breath, "and on top of that I've ruined my relationship with my three best friends."

In one quick motion Mrs. Knight brought the boys' face into her hands making him look up at her. "Nothings ruined sweetheart, the boys will come around. I think Kendall is more hurt that you did not tell him first than feeling disgusted by who you are."

Logan gave her a small smile, "I hope so Mrs. Knight, I don't want them to hate me." He bit his lip, "I think I should tell Gustavo now."

Mrs. Knight frowned, "Logan, don't push yourself into this. Monday is only two days away, maybe take the time to figure everything out first." Logan shook his head, he wouldn't have it. His friends knew, his plan was awry and he mine as well be done with it all. _Now_.

Pushing up from his seat, Logan grabbed the phone by the refrigerator and began dialling Gustavo's number. Mrs. Knight had risen from her seat, in vain attempt to stop the boy from doing anything to reckless, but stopped when she met Logan's steady gaze. The boys' expression was a mix of tremendous emotion; nervousness, fear, but ultimately – determination.

Logan placed the phone against his ear as he finished dialling, listening to the familiar hum of the dial, the noise echoing throughout his body.

"Hello?" Gustavo's voice came through the speaker. He sounded tired and Logan figured he'd been working on their newest album for the better part of the day.

Logan sucked in a unsteady breath, "Gustavo, I need to meet with you now, it's important."

The line was silent for a moment.

"Now? I've been working on you dogs' album all afternoon, the last thing I need to see is your fa-"

"It's important Gustavo – for the album," Logan barked, startling Mrs. Knight who stood quietly watching him.

He heard Gustavo groan, "fine, but be here in the next twenty minutes because I'm heading home."

Logan glanced at the clock, it was just after 2pm, but he figured Gustavo wanted to take his work home with him and finish there.

He nodded against the speaker, "okay, be there soon." Setting the phone back down in its charger Logan looked up at Mrs. Knight apologetically.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Knight but everything should just come out now. The guys know, Lucy and Camille know.." he shook his head. "I can't keep it a secret from anyone, so there's no point in trying."

The older woman regarded Logan for a moment, contemplating what to respond with. Logan was still in shock, and she needed to explain to him in the best way she could that it was all going to be okay.

"Logan, honey, before you go, I need to speak with you." She patted the seat behind her, "so sit back down here and listen to me okay."

Logan watched as she took her own seat beside his and hesitantly moved to sit beside her. "Mrs. Knight, I don't mean to rush you, but Gustavo leaves the studio in a half hour, so..."

"Just hear me out, please, before you go." Mrs. Knight sighed, biting down on her lower lip for a moment before starting, "Logan I think you should wait, to tell Gustavo."

She raised her hand as Logan went to protest, "you're scared right now Honey, it's very scary but jumping in and doing everything all at once is not going to make it any less scary."

"Mrs. Knight..."

"Logan who are you? Tell me who you are."

Logan sent her a look of confusion, "I'm Logan Mitchell..." she gestured for him to go on and he finally caught on to what she was entailing.

"...and I'm a _girl_." He finished flustered, the last word coming out in a whisper.

"You're scared Honey, and that's perfectly okay." She gripped his shoulders comfortingly, " you have nothing to be ashamed of, you know who you are but it's scary because not everyone is going to understand."

She ran a hand through his hair."You don't have to go proving yourself to anyone. You'll grow into it in time and then everything else will fall into place."

"But what scares me most is I don't know when I'm going to be okay with all this Mrs. Knight. When am I going to be able to say _who I am_ without fearing how someone will react." Logan rose from his chair and darted across the room to the orange couch, Mrs. Knight following close behind.

"I already tried it with Lucy, she freaked out, and now the guys know...and I have no idea how they feel about it." he mumbled, plopping back against the cushions dramatically.

Mrs. Knight dropped down on the couch next to him, "give it time Honey. Right now you have my support, you have your parents support and I'm sure the guys will come around in no time - you're their best friend."

Logan didn't answer, he sighed softly and closed his eyes. He would wait, just a few days, and maybe, by then he would have his friends support. Maybe he'd have Gustavo and Kelly's support and be well on his way to being okay with everything, with _himself_.

So maybe today he took one giant premature step forward, and he was grateful for Mrs. Knight to pull him back. He didn't need to shove something down other peoples throats in attempt to become more comfortable with it himself. What mattered was how he felt, and if it took a little longer to adjust then so be it. Old habits die hard, he'd been playing a boy his entire life and he was naive to think it could all change in an instant.

Maybe someday.

* * *

On the other side of the room, quietly occupying his shared bedroom, an ear was pressed against the door.

Kendall listened closely, catching faint whispers between Logan and his mothers conversation.

He couldn't believe it was true. His best friend was...

He shook the thought from his mind and turned to the two other occupants of the room. James was seated on Logan's bed, rifling through one of Kendall's old hockey magazines. While Carlos leaned against the large dresser shared by both boys, playing with a wiggly knob.

Kendall cleared his throat, getting their attention, "Guys, we need to talk."

* * *

**Please remember to review! **


	7. Chapter 6

"You're kidding me."

"But I'm not James."

"I have to agree with James, Kendall...it might be too soon, you know?"

A frustrated sigh. "It's not too soon, it's a lot easier than explaining it...in words."

James regarded his tall blond friend for a moment. Kendall stood rod straight, hands comfortably loose at his side. He was determined, believed what he wanted to do was the absolute best thing he could come up with.

In other words, he wouldn't be swayed.

James sighed, "alright, I'm in, but if this falls through – it's all you Kendall." The blond only waved his hand in disregard, turning to their Latino friend.

The pressure was on for Carlos, as his eyes darted back and forth between the taller the boys, Carlos cringed, backing away.

"C'mon Carlos..." Kendall egged him on, pushing for an answer. James watched with little interest, it was only a matter of time...

"Okay, fine, I'm in!" Bingo.

Kendall smiled proudly, clapping his hands together. "Let's get going."

With that, the blond lead his two friends out of the shared bedroom, missing the look of concern shared between the Latino and Pretty Boy.

* * *

Logan sat beside Katie on the orange living-room couch, he was twiddling his thumbs for the lack of a better term, slumped back into the cushions.

He continued to ignore the sidelong glances the young girl threw at him every so often. There was no way Logan was going to bring up his problems with a ten year old girl – he was sticking to his guns on that promise he'd made to himself.

Katie was a child, and a part of Logan felt she was the little sister he never had, therefore he'd always been a little protective of her.

Logan couldn't help the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach, maybe someday he'd be able to take her shopping with him - or _her_. Pronouns were one of Logan's more sensitive subjects. The only time he'd referred to himself as a girl were blatant attacjs on his person and even then he had found the idea laughable.

But the flutter remained. Taking Katie to the mall, shopping for girl clothes; tank-tops and skirts and..._bras_. He felt the warmth flow into his face, undoubtedly turning his cheeks a bright red, and Katie seemed to notice as well.

"What's got you all flustered?"

"Nothing Katie, just watch your show." However Logan knew his sad attempt to persuade the girl from prying any further was useless.

"C'mon, tell me." Katie poked at his arm, attention shifted completely from the television. Logan groaned and rolled away from the touch, onto the floor where he picked himself up and left for the bathroom.

Mrs. Knight was in her own room, Kendall had mentioned something about her not getting her eight hours of sleep. His friends were apparently at the mall, he'd seen them venture out early that morning and was left and little confused and a little miffed after the door slammed shut behind them.

After the turn of events yesterday, Logan's relationship with his friends was wearing thin. Despite Kendall's warning about waking his Mother, no more than two words had been exchanged between Logan and the other three, and that's when he found himself slumped against the couch for the better part of the afternoon watching television with Katie.

But even young Katie Knight liked to pry, so Logan exited the main room and slipped inside the bathroom. He needed to shower before vocal rehearsals tomorrow_ and before telling Gustavo._

Pushing the thought into the back of his mind, Logan slipped off his clothing and stepped into the tub. Adjusting the temperature to his liking he turned the lever and sighed as the water cascaded down his back.

The glass slowly began to fog up and Logan soon could no longer see his reflection in the glass. Hesitantly he brought his right hand to his stomach and drug it down to his pelvis. He stopped just before his sex, letting out a shaky breath.

He'd masturbated before, but the experience hadn't been entirely pleasant. The pleasure was their, physically, but emotionally he felt himself falling apart in the moment. It was confusing, terrifying and quite uncomfortable – everything masturbation wouldn't usually be for anyone. But he had done it, and beyond that experience, the times afterwards had been scarce and far-spread.

Logan carried his hands up from his pelvis up to his chest. Now Logan wasn't entirely sure how he felt about..._breasts_. The word alone still felt like taboo but Logan knew somewhere in the back of his mind, that he did desire them, but he still feared the reality of it all – especially in the physical sense.

A knock at the door interrupted his reverie and Logan nearly slipped as he swung his hand away from his chest. Ripping back the curtain, Logan turned off the water and slipped out of the shower.

"Who is it?" he shouted, a little peeved. He hadn't time to actually shower and now was wet and dirty.

"Logan can you come out? Me and the guys need to speak to you." It was Kendall. Logan sighed, slipping back on his clothes, uncomfortable with going out in a towel before his friends, especially since they now knew.

He stepped out of the bathroom, tendrils of steam seeping out behind him. Turning to his friends, Logan raised an eyebrow as they all stood before him, Carlos with his arms behind his back. He noticed Katie had left the room, probably now down by the pool. Eyeing his friends, Logan figured they had something to do with her disappearance.

In full - they looked guilty.

"What did you guys do?" Logan spoke tentatively, still unsure of where their friendship now lay.

James and Kendall smiled, but Carlos continued to look guilty.

"We got you a little something, that we think you'll like." James answered, gesturing to the nervous Latino, "Carlos?"

Pulling the item from behind his back, Carlos brought forward the.._gift bag? _He slowly handed Logan the bag, stepping back in line with his other friends.

"We hope you like it." Carlos mumbled, biting his lower-lip, James and Kendall continued to smile.

Logan carefully opened the gift bag, expecting a smoothie-bomb to go off in his face, peeking inside the bag Logan laid on eyes on his gift.

And it was something much worse.

He reached in to pull the item out, hoping his eyes were deceiving him. But alas, as the object spilled free from the bag Logan's eyes rested upon possibly the worse thing he could possibly receive.

_A dress, a girly, **pink** dress._

It had ruffles and bows and sparkles and...Logan couldn't believe his friends. He glanced between the dress and his friend a few times, their expressions changed as they recognized the look of horror on Logan's face.

"You...do you like it?" Kendall asked.

Logan glanced up at the blond once more, and the tears began to fall. His vision blurred so quickly Logan could barely see as his friends rushed to his side, bombarding him with questions riddled with concern.

"Logan, Logan pl-"

"Are you jackasses insane!" Logan blew up, he was livid and hurt and everything else horrible he'd thought his friends would never make him feel. He was embarrassed, shocked, heartbroken and confused. _Why would they?_

Logan ripped free from their grips and charged back into the bathroom, whipping the dress at Carlos' face, being the closest target. He locked the door behind him and slid down against the door, a strong sense of _deja vu_ taking over. _How many times am I going to have to deal with this shit? _A chorus of knocking and pleading started from the other side of the door, but Logan only rolled his eyes and shifted to one of end of the wall.

"Logan, we're sorry, but we'd thought this would be something you wanted!" Logan grew livid.

"Something I _wanted_? Kendall, you guys are basically making fun of me!" he shouted, "all I need was for you guys to understand - that's all!"

"Logan we do understand! That's why we bought the dress, we -"

"Then you don't understand at all! You're making a joke of it, of _me_!" He stood up and turned around, ripping the door opened; his friends just managing to catch themselves before they fell forward.

"All I needed was for my best friends to support me." He mumbled, voice rough, broken. For the first time Logan was truly seeing into the large void that had begun to eat away at his friendship. He felt partly at fault for it, hiding such a life-changing secret from his dearest friends. They were only kids and even Logan living within his situation his entire life was still grasping the fully comprehend what was happening to him. Could he really fault his friends for not immediately understanding?

Each boy before him bore nervous expression as they waited for their genius friend to blow up in their faces. _Time to backtrack Logan, remember, be you, be confident and all will fall into place. _He took in a deep breath.

"Take that _thing_ back to the store and we'll try this again." Immediately his short Latino friend rushed from the bathroom a crinkling of plastic shortly followed before the front door slammed shut. Logan turned to his remaining friends at the bathroom door. They all eyed each other for moment before Logan silently pushed past them making his way to his shared bedroom.

The taller boys glanced between one another for moment before following after the short brunet, joining him in the bedroom. Logan, standing by the entrance, shut the door behind them as they entered. Once all comfortably seated around the room, Logan plopped down onto his bed, across from Kendall and adjacent to James sitting on his bedside table.

Logan silently wished the Latino boy had stuck around to listen as well but he preferred to never come in visual contact with the article of clothing ever again. He took in another deep breath and sighed heavily.

"Get Carlos on speakerphone, I'm not repeating what I'm about to tell you." James silently complied, pulling his phone from his back pocket and dialling the Latino's number.

"Carlos? Yeah, just hold your phone to your ear – no! Don't put it on speakerphone. Okay." James nodded at Logan to go ahead and the smaller brunet sighed nervously.

"...When I was younger I told my parents I was a girl." He shrugged at their stunned expressions, " I had no idea what I said entailed at the time, but my parents seemed to get it." He looked up at Kendall.

"So my Father signed me up for Hockey."

"Which is where you met us-" James was quickly 'shushed' by Kendall. Logan rolled his eyes, "yes, obviously."

"He thought it would get the 'girl thing' out my system, and when I saw how serious my parents took my words it scared me and I was quick to agree. I didn't want people to think I was weird." He eyed his tall friends before continuing.

"It was hard at first, and I could tell it frustrated my parents – and me, because I didn't feel any different, as I expected I would. But meeting you guys finally changed that, it became easier to transition my thoughts from what I believed to whatever you guys did." He shrugged once more, "I was able to push my thoughts into the back of mind and focus on everything you guys did, copy your mannerisms, flirt with girls...It got really easy, and I thought I was cured."

He swallowed roughly, "based on my current predicament, I literally _had_ just shoved it into the back of my mind for later. It started coming back again a few years before we left Minnesota."

"It was like everything started rushing back in, something just gave and..." he shuddered, "I sneaked out to the store late one night at bought a..._bra_." When his friends gave no reaction, Logan took it as a sign to continue. "I can't even entirely remember doing it and when I got home I chucked it in my closet and didn't touch it for months."

"I think it was a just half a year before we left Minnesota, I finally dug it out and put it on. I instantly hated it when I looked at myself in the mirror, and was going to take it off but...my Mom opened the door and well..." He sighed.

"After that my parents began to tip-toe around me, watched warily, I think they suspected I'd suddenly turn into a girl or something, just sprout a vagina and start wearing dresses. Kendall cringed at the mention of female clothing, now understanding Logan's outburst from earlier.

"Coming here was a blessing, I got a away from my parents, the memories. I thought if I was given the chance to figure this out on my own I could get over it." He snorted, "boy was I wrong. It was like getting away from my parents set it free, I started taking Mrs. Knight's fashion magazines and reading them, I'd never have the gall to touch the clothes again...but I felt more at peace reading them. Logan blushed, "I made up this fantasy where I was a girl – _full_ girl, with _everything_ – and we were all still friends and nothing had changed because I was born a girl."

He gave a breathy chuckle, "but soon after that I realized, I _am_ a girl,from the beginning I was born in the wrong body and even my kid self understood that." Getting up from the bed, Logan dropped to his knees and bent down to reach below his bed. He pulled out his laptop and climbed back onto the bed, setting it onto his lap and flipping it open.

"I began writing video diaries after that, small snippets and clips explaining how I felt that day. It helped calm me down when I felt confused or worried." He flipped the laptop around and pressed play. "This was my first video."

The fellow occupants of the room watched the short clip, when it ended, Logan quickly closed the laptop and slid it back under his bed. He regarded Kendall.

"Your Mom has really helped me Kendall, after the whole fiasco when I told Lucy, she saved me. I'd never felt so alone and while it's kinda embarrassing, I'm glad your Mom found her magazines in my bed." He smiled, "she's really supported me, my parents have even started coming around a bit, granted I think it's because they miss me but – it's better than wallowing in anxiety."

Kendall smiled sadly, "I'm sorry we were part of the reason you oppressed who you really were Logan. We care about you, more than anything, and it sucks to know we just shoved your reality away from you like that."

Logan smiled gratefully to his blond friend, "Kendall I was completely aware of what I was doing, maybe not at first but, guys, I need to actually thank you for that. I still kinda got to enjoy being a kid, no, I _did _enjoy being a kid. I got to live that time of my life like any other kid - with no cares, I'm honestly lucky to have you guys - really."

Closing his cell, James slid it back into his pocket, "Carlos is on his way back, I think he's got a lot of questions for you."

"As expected, but do you guys?" Both Kendall and James shook their heads and Kendall rose from his bed. He took a seat next to Logan and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"I've heard all I need to hear to know that I am one hundred percent behind my best friend, into helping him, and supporting him to become the person he really is." Logan smiled at the blond, wrapping his arms around him in a hug. "Thank you Kendall," he turned to James, "and thank you James." He smiled at the two and stood up, "and as soon as Carlos gets here I will thank him too, and _apologize_, because I know he had nothing to do with getting me my _gift_." James spluttered, chasing after the shorter brunet as he left the room, "Uh, that was all Kendall actually and -" He was silenced with a smack to the back of his head.

"He's lying, James played a _very_ crucial part on deciding what to get you for your _gift_." Kendall ignored as the tall brunet began squawking at him dramatically, shoving at the blond only to be shoved back and soon escalating into a full tussle in the middle of the room.

Logan watched carelessly as the two battled back and forth, it didn't last long though because James' cellphone went off and he immediately pulled away from the blond, complaining about his hair.

"Hello?" he answered, smoothing his hair back into place. Whatever was said over the phone suddenly stopped him in mid-grooming, eyes bugging out.

"Carlos what are you talking about? Where are you?" James sped off towards the living room, eyes searching for the remote. He snagged it from where it rested on the couch, immediately jabbing the buttons with his thumb to change the channel. Still by the kitchen, Logan and Kendall watched James buzz around the living room, barking at Carlos into his phone.

"No Carlos, I have no idea who would've-" he cut himself off, looking up at Logan. Something in the pretty boys' eye shook Logan to the core. His stomach sank and he suddenly felt he needed to vomit.

_James. Carlos. Shouting. Remote. TV. _

_TV_. Logan gulped and ran over to the couch, he snatched the remote from James, dodging as he tried to grab it back from him. Flipping the channels, Logan finally found what he was scared to prove true.

On the TV was Griffin, broadcasting to some news network on the latest news with his boy bands, and that's when he heard it.

"_Sources have told me that a Logan Mitchell of Big Time Rush has recently come out about being a woman? Is this true Mr. Griffin?" _the news reporter turned his mic over to Griffin to respond. The CEO plucked the mic from the reporters hand face the camera.

"_As I've been told yes, but I'm sure I and the band came come to some sort of definite conclusion to present to the media."_ His eyes never left the camera and Logan knew the man, expecting the boys to watch, was sending them a warning.

The rest of the broadcast fell on deaf ears as Logan completely shut down. He could faintly hear James shouting at Carlos to get back 'asap' over the phone, while another phone in the background started to ring. He could fuzzily make out Kendall trying to calm Gustavo down as the man was in his latest tirade over the boys actions. The broadcast continued on, becoming a light buzz in his ears as the world spun around him.

The last thing he saw was a fuzzy picture of himself popping up on the television.

_'Logan Mitchell of Big Time Rush – male or female?'_

* * *

**Here we are. Poor Logan, I should stop being so cruel to him.**


	8. Chapter 7

When Logan awoke, the sun was already set high in the sky. Bright rays filtered through the curtains adorned the window frame and Logan winced, bringing a hand up to shield his eyes.

With a soft groan, he rolled around to face the opposite wall, nowhere near ready to get up and face the day.

"Logan! Get up, Lucy's here!" He heard his pretty boy friend scream from outside the door and Logan groaned once more.

"I'm not dealing with this right now James!" he sat up, "tell her to come back later!"

He heard a few soft whispers from the other side of the door before James responded, "dealing with what? You're supposed to be going to see that new movie today." His tall friend sounded terribly confused and Logan suddenly was very confused himself.

Why would he be going to see a movie with Lucy? It couldn't be a date, Logan was quite positive he'd come out to her as a female and even his friends and Griff-

Logan gasped sharply, jumping from the bed and running over to the door, pulling it open. James jumped back, covering his eyes with one hand and outstretching the other to seemingly shield Logan from his vision.

"Logan! Woah! What the heck, put a bra on!" Logan froze at his words.

A _what_?

His eyes slowly travelled down and he drew in a icy breath as he lay eyes on his own figure.

His own _female_ figure.

Logan wore a light green camisole, sans bra, and matching green bed shorts, but it wasn't the outfit that initially spooked him, so much as what lay hidden underneath. His chest had two prominent, _bumps_ on them, loosely secured by the form fitting shirt.

"Cute PJ's," Lucy piped up, smiling from the entrance way, "but I think you might need a bra at least if we're going to the movies." Her voice was playful and light, but Logan felt the exact opposite.

_Where the hell was he...she? _He shifted his hip minutely. _Yeah, definitely a she. _Trying to get a better grasp of his current situation, Logan regarded his tall friend, still cowering off to the side, hands covering his eyes. James seemed to be fully aware of his...girl-ness. He glanced around the apartment; nothing seemed out of order.

_But why was he?_ He thought for a moment..._Or was he?_

"Uh...one second Lucy." He sent her a tight smile and quickly turned back into his room, ignoring James' gasp in relief, shutting the door behind him.

As Logan paced his room in search of something, _anything_, to give indication of his current predicament, another noise sounded from the living room followed by the opening of the front door.

"Hey guys," Kendall, he realized, greeted, "you and Logan haven't left for the movies yet?"

He heard Lucy respond, "No, she's not ready yet, she was still in her PJ's." He then heard the light thump of footsteps getting closer and closer to the bedroom door.

"Baby, Logan, you alright in there?" A knock on the door followed. "Baby?"

However Logan was now beyond hearing, as the words of endearment, often reserved for _lovers_, not best friends, slipped from the blond's mouth. Logan had frozen up and in a flurry of panic slammed himself back against the door as if to hold it down.

"Babe I just heard a thump," Kendall's voice grew concerned and Logan almost felt bad for ignoring him, "are you okay?"

Relenting, Logan answered, "Uh, yeah Ken I'm alright," his eyes hastily scanned the expanse of the bedroom floor, "just looking for a bra." He winced when those words exited his mouth.

_None of this makes sense, what's happening?_

Suddenly the room spun, Kendall's voice faded, and Logan found himself back in the living room, much to his chagrin. He quickly wracked his brain for a plausible excuse as he stood before his friends. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, something from the corner of his eye caught his attention.

"I'm ready, let's go Lucy." Came a cheerful voice as a girl that looked exactly like _him_ skipped into the room, kissed Kendall gently on the lips and hopped the rest of the way to Lucy's side, slipping on a pair of flip-flops.

"What the hell?" He shouted, loud enough to get the attention of everyone else in the room.

But no one acknowledged him, in fact, no one had since his mysterious entrance into the room moments ago.

_It was like he wasn't here..._

_He __**wasn't**__ here..._

_Then where the hell was he?_

Panic swelled in his chest and Logan frantically began searching the room for an out, a portal anything to have this make sense.

The scene before him continued on, and he watched as Logan and Lucy waved goodbye to the other occupants of 2J before leaving for the movies. _They were leaving, that meant the scene must be ending._ Logan shut his eyes tightly.

_Please stop here, please, please._

As he had hoped, the room began to spin again, and Logan soon found himself back in his shared bedroom. Just like before.

"No!" he cried, pulling at his hair. It was like a labyrinth and while Logan was particularly smart, he wasn't too fond of mind games.

_Not when they're fucking with my life!_

He'd somehow ended up in a world where he was already a _complete_ female, everything and everyone seemed fine and dandy with it and he was even _dating_ Kendall Knight.

Despite it being his every once-wish come true, Logan didn't want it like this. He wanted to experience the hardships he knew his transformation would bring, he wanted to be in full control of it, of himself, of his _life_. He certainly didn't want the the sugarcoat sweet scene he'd experienced from earlier.

He didn't want his dream to come true anymore, because now he knew, and had seen it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He remained scared and lost, even in the body he'd always dreamed of having. If Logan was going to do this thing, he was doing it on his terms and step-by-step. No more fantasy lives, because he had a life to live and it was _his _to make those fantasies real.

"Logan!" He heard Kendall shout from the other side of the door, and rolled his eyes. Here it goes again. Logan slowly approached the door and reached for the doorknob.

"Logan!" He frowned, pulling his hand back, Kendall sounded panicked, and..._louder_?

"Logan please, answer me!" He heard Kendall cry through the wood, and in haste Logan opened his mouth to answer.

Nothing came out.

"Logan!" Kendall continued to shout and Logan roughly shook his head.

_No, no, wake up, wake up, Logan!_

_Wake up Logan!_

_Wake up!_

"Logan, wake up!" Logan's eyes burst open as he heaved a large gasp of air, body trembling on the mattress.

_Wait - mattress?_

He blinked slowly, eyes coming into focus. Above him stood Kendall, his arms planted on either sides of his head, looming over his figure with a look of deep concern.

"Hey buddy, you with us?" Kendall cooed gently, patting down Logan's ruffled locks.

"You gave us a scare when you flopped to the ground like that, thank god for the rug." James, he heard this time, walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I what? Where's Carlos?" In a mess of confusion Logan rubbed at his forehead, ignoring his friends light chuckles at his obvious distress.

"Carlos' talking to Gustavo, hopefully calming him down a bit." Logan cringed.

"You're letting Carlos persuade Gustavo?" He groaned, "the only thing we'll get out of that is a Corn Dog budget."

"Actually," all eyes turned to see Carlos venture into the room, snapping his cellphone shut triumphantly, "I managed to calm him down enough to have him tell us to 'get down to the studio now!' He finished in a Gustavo like fashion.

"Please explain to me how that fixes anything." Kendall spoke monotonously.

Logan groaned, flopping back into the cushions. _Maybe he could suffocate himself into a coma for a few days..._

"It's better than the grunting noises he was making earlier!" Carlos argued, marching out of the room.

Logan sighed, watching Kendall for an indication of what they would do next. He found himself silently studying the blond in his wait.

There was no doubt his tall blond friend was attractive, he'd have to blind not to notice it. But James and Carlos were attractive too, so why wasn't he staring at their lips as well?

"Logie?" Logan blushed, immediately looking away from the blond.

"Yeah?" he responded tentatively. Kendall pulled on his wrist, lifting him from the bed, "We've got to go meet Gustavo at the studio, before he blows up, _again_."

Logan only nodded and slipped from under the bed covers, he followed his two taller friends out of the room before they all met at the entrance.

"Guys," Logan spoke timidly, "you have my back right?" James snorted, Carlos looked at his shoes uninterestedly and Kendall smiled down at him.

"Let's go sap," he wrapped a arm around Logan's shoulders and pulled him out the room before their friends.

"Of course we have your back."

* * *

The ride to the studio was uneventful, well, Logan was still waiting for the fear to kick in and his impending doom of being skinned alive by Gustavo.

Kendall had tried to assure him that Gustavo wouldn't overact more than he usually does on a daily bases. But Logan had to think, how many times a day does he have to deal with one his artists becoming the opposite gender? Zero, was his guess.

Logan wouldn't admit it now, but he hid behind his tall friends the entire walk up from the entrance. They met a red face Gustavo outside his office, Logan still borrowed behind James and Kendall.

"Where's Logan?" His voice was oddly calm for a man with so much rage. Logan peeped around James' side, throwing Gustavo a cheeky smile and wave.

Gustavo said nothing but motioned for Logan to come out from behind James. Haphazardly, Logan stepped around his friend and stood before the plump producer.

"I can't have a _boy_ band, with a _girl _in it," His voice was barely above a whisper and Logan could feel the fear creep up his frame, "so tell me this is some prank or joke or some other stupid bullshit you Dogs are pulling."

Logan gaped, grasping for a semblance of self-control, anything to stop trembling...and _what_?

"We're not joking about anything Gustavo, this is serious." Kendall piped up, coming to stand next to a stunned Logan.

"Well shake him out of it or he's out of the band!" There it was, Logan's worst fear. How was he supposed to choose between his well-being and his band, his _friends_.

He glanced back at a worrisome James and Carlos, then up at Kendall who argued fiercely with Gustavo, voices climbing by the second.

It wasn't a choice.

"Fine," he stepped in, standing ram-rod straight before his large producer, "I'll forget it." His voice softened, "tell the media it was just an on-going joke with the guys or something." Logan shrugged halfheartedly.

"Logan" Kendall started, but Logan quickly cut off him off, "No, it's okay Ken, I'll just...wait a while." He sent the blond a wain smile before stepping back beside Carlos, having nothing else to say.

Gustavo seemed to have an angry glaring match with the tall blond before he relented and glanced back and Kelly.

"Give them their new songs Kelly," he eyed Logan, "Dog come with me into my office, we need to talk."

Logan glanced over at his friends worriedly, Carlos bit his lip, James shrugged uselessly and Kendall watched him with concern. Logan sighed and followed the large man who'd already disappeared into his office.

* * *

Logan sunk into one the seats lined up in front of Gustavo's desk. He placed his hands between his knees and planted his feet firmly on the ground.

Gustavo said nothing for awhile, playing with a pencil on his desk and gazing around his tidy office.

When he finally did break the silence, Logan nearly jumped out of the seat in surprise.

"So Logan," he started, still not looking over at the boy, "want to tell me were this all came from?"

"What?" Logan was honestly a little confused. Gustavo finally looked up at him.

"I realize this isn't just some joke between you and the guys," he twirled a pencil around his chubby fingers, "and I want to know when this all started."

Logan nodded silently, he kept the story brief leaving out anything he'd think Gustavo wouldn't care to know. When he finally finished, he sighed heavily and sunk back down in his seat. He eyed Gustavo warily waiting for him to laugh, blow-up, or fire him. Maybe all three.

"I see," Gustavo started, finally placing down the pencil he'd been toying with, "but that doesn't change the fact that this is a boy band." Logan nodded in understanding.

"I get it Gustavo, I'll forget about my situation and just-"

"I never said that," he interrupted, "I'm saying, I'll help you deal with this, as in get you the people you need and the doctors you'll eventually need..." Logan looked up at him, stunned.

"Are you saying? But how? We're a boy band, I can't be that if I change."

Gustavo gave him one his his devious smiles, "you keep your mouth shut, be boy Logan to the public, and I'll help you become the Logan you need to be."

Logan remained stunned, "Gustavo, I thank you...but how can I?"

"You've heard of makeup artists, haven't you Dog?"


	9. Chapter 8

**Sorry for the wait, just returned from my 3 week trip.**

* * *

Logan did not join in rehearsals that day.

Instead he sat with Gustavo in his office, watching as the large man made various phone calls to his 'secret aids' enlisting in help for creating Logan's 'double life', as he so dubbed it.

Logan wasn't sure when his life had turn into an episode of Hannah Montana, but he wasn't particularly fond of it. He decided to ignore the idea altogether and focus in attention of the detailing of the expensive office.

He was well into memorizing the number of ceiling tiles, when Gustavo slammed the phone down causing Logan to practically leap out of his seat.

"So, Dog, I've managed to ring in all the makeup artists will need, _plus_, a highly-demanded psychiatrist as well as a line of of doctors waiting to meet you." He bowed, "you can thank me graciously for all my amazing work."

Logan only blinked, stared at the music producer, and blinked some more.

"Wait...uh, this is just moving a little too fast," he bit his lower lip, "could I maybe, meet the psychiatrist?"

Gustavo grunted, but remained silent.

"Please? I think it's important that I meet a few and choose which one I feel most comfortable with for my...situation."

Picking up a pen from his desk, Gustavo played with the end, jiggling it between his thumb and index finger. He seemed to be in deep thought, and Logan began to sweat as the older mans gaze never left his person.

"Fine." Gustavo grumbled, reaching out for the phone again. Logan watched him dramatically lift it from the receiver and shove it against his ear. His meaty fingers pounded the keys on the dial pad, before coming back to rest on the table, beginning a drumming rhythm from his fingers.

Someone on the other line quickly picked up and Logan took it as his queue to wander off into his thoughts again, preferring to stay out of the producers bargaining conversation.

He thoughts drifted off onto his friends. Logan could hear the steady beat of 'Cover Girl' coming from the sound booth and a large part of him itched to be in there with them, recording. The other part he'd chalked up to being fear, of being locked in a room with Gustavo for so long.

The tell-tale slamming of the phone did not spook Logan this time around. He turned to face Gustavo, waiting on his answer anxiously.

Gustavo held up four fingers, "I've got four psychiatrist's lined up to meet you later this week. Like I said before makeup is ready, and I'd believe Doctor's would be last on the list," he eyed Logan up and down, making the teen quite nervous, "considering those would involve more _physical_ changes that we will deal with then."

Logan nodded, swallowing harshly. Everything was suddenly moving so fast, and he wasn't sure if it was a good thing or bad. In all, he's figure it to be a good thing, a very good thing. But his stomach was all in knots of nervousness and he was confused about were he lay within his mind.

"Dog?" Gustavo called. Logan looked over at him blankly, still gathering his wits.

"Uh, yeah?" He asked lamely.

"You can get out of my office now, I'll call you tomorrow with more details of your appointments. He shooed Logan out of the room with a gesture, before turning his attention away from the brunet and onto something else.

"Right..." Logan slowly rose from his seat and slumped out of the room, mind many miles away.

He met with his friends just outside in the hallway before Gustavo's office. They all watched him eagerly waiting before the brunet stood before them and then beginning with an array of questions.\

"What did he say?"

"He's not kicking you of the group, is he?"

"How did you make it out alive?"

"What did Griffin say?"

"Did he-"

"Guys!" Logan shouted, raising a hand for them to stop. "I'm still in the group, he says he wants to _help me_, and no, I haven't heard from Griffin."

Kendall threw him a look, "Gustavo wants to _help you_?" he asked incredulously. Logan nodded dumbly, giving a shrug, not quite sure on the matter himself.

"As far as I know."

"Well... I guess that's a good sign, right?" Logan shrugged again.

"I guess... I mean, I hope so."

Kendall came over to Logan's side and smiled brightly at the shorter boy, "well then, how about we help in putting this all into motion?" He turned their other friends.

"Guys, what do you say?" They both immediately nodded without a thought, but Logan was already shaking his head as well, pulling away from Kendall.

"No, no, no," he began hurriedly, "I don't need anymore help then what's already given." He gave his friends a solemn look, "all I need is your guys' support, okay?"

Kendall went to protest but Logan quickly cut him off.

"No Kendall, the dress was enough, just please, support me, that's all I need." He watched as the gears began to turn in the blond's mind, before he let out a defeated sigh, nodding slightly.

"Okay, we stop, but you come to us if something bothers you, okay?" Logan nodded reassuringly, "absolutely, I promise." He pulled them all into a gentle group hug.

"Thank you guys, really, thank you."

* * *

The next few days progressed in an easy habitual stream for Logan. He returned to rehearsing with his friends and accompanied them to the pool after work hours. Everything seem fine and dandy, as if nothing had changed.

And Logan wasn't sure why it bothered him.

His friends had grown accustomed to his situation and had not treated him any differently. In fact, Logan would say, ever since the dress incident they'd seem to be extra cautious about what they said and did around Logan.

While the brunet appreciated their efforts, he couldn't help but feel annoyed for circumstances he wasn't entirely sure of.

He'd settled issues with Camille and Lucy, and with some reluctance, his ex-girlfriend slowly began to except her previous love-interests changes. It was was a little awkward , but Logan found himself falling into a comfortable friendship with the two girls. It both excited and freaked him out as Logan found himself spending an increasing amount of time with them over Kendall, James and Carlos.

However the issue still remained , over his friends off behaviour. But Logan wasn't going to give it much thought; he was determined to confront the issue and crush it as soon as possible, cutting off any unnecessary obstacles on his path to becoming everything he really needed to be and was.

Though, as he thought about it, instead of going directly to the source of his currently confusing predicament, he'd go to Mrs. Knight.

He'd battled with himself between going to his friends mother and divesting himself in another video diary (having been so long since the last). But chose to go with the a physical and more present source of aid, one that could provide with advice - and affection.

It was Thursday morning, when Logan and his friends had returned from rehearsals, that, instead of heading straight for the pool, he made a beeline for the elevator.

"Logan? Where are you going?" Kendall asked as he turned from his venture to their usual pool seats for his small brunet friend who had disappeared from his side.

Logan pressed the elevator button before turning to answer the tall blond.

"I need to get some work done," he shrugged, giving the blond an assuring smile, "I'll join you guys later, promise."

The blond said nothing, but made no move to stop Logan as the elevator made its arrival.

Logan steeped inside and turned to wave goodbye to his friend, but as he did he found the boy was already gone.

Pushing any concern into the back of his mind, Logan rode the elevator to the second floor and swiftly entered into apartment 2J.

"Mrs. Knight!" he shouted immediately, rounding the corner into the kitchen only to come up empty.

"Mrs. Knight!" he shouted once more, entering into his shared room and quickly crossing over to the girls' shared room when he found his empty.

"Logan?" Mrs. Knight voice travelled from behind the bathroom door by the kitchen, and Logan stopped just as the door clicked open and said mother walked out.

He smiled shyly, "hi Mrs. Knight," his words sounded more timid than he meant to be, "can I speak to you?" Mrs. Knight smiled.

"Sure Hon, what's up?" she settled down on the orange couch, a spot that had become a regular for their conversations, and after a pregnant pause Logan silently sat down across from her.

"It's about the guys..." he started, unable to look up at the woman before him, " they've been...a little strange."

Mrs knight lent back in her seat, " okay...you mean they've been really careful?"

"Huh?" Logan sounded, a little confused and a little worried by what she meant by_ "careful_".

"They've been careful right? Sort of 'walking on egg-shells?' They're just worried about doing something wrong and setting you off again sweetheart." she explained.

Logan frowned, "I don't like them acting all weary - its not them." he pouted, "help me?"

Mrs. Knight laughed, "Logan honey if we could change the way people acted just because we didn't like it, the world would be a perfect place." she smiled wisely, "just tell them how you feel and they'll adjust their actions appropriately." she then shrugged, "of course they're boys, so you never know."

Logan laughed, it felt different to be referred to outside of the 'guys' circle. He wasn't sure yet if it was _good_ different or just a _weird_ different. But he felt something stir in the pit of his stomach either way.

"Anyway, don't you have a lot more concerning items to take care of?" she looked at him pointedly, "like who spilled your secret to the media and making an appointment with that therapist?"

He sighed, "yeah, Gustavo's looking to track down who said it and he made appointment for next Monday" Gustavo had done quite a bit for Logan once he though about it, he'd have to thank him when he had the chance.

On the subject of who had ratted him out to the media, he was a little embarrassed to admit he thought almost next to nothing about it. Something that had so drastically changed his life in a matter of days had shocked him initially, but now he felt...relieved – in a way. He was more so nervous about meeting his therapist for the very first time. If things went well it was likely Logan would be seeing this therapist for quite some time.

"Have you mentioned to Gustavo about finding a doctor?" Logan nodded.

"He's looking into that, says he has a few lined up, because he's trying to find the best time frame to meld with everything else." Logan swallowed, "if it were up to him, I feel like I'd already be under the knife."

Mrs. Knight brow furrowed as she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, " if you're concerned about this going too fast, you can always ask Gustavo to give you some time."

Logan shook his head, "I'm not worried...I'm...I'm nervous, but excited nervous. Besides, I couldn't do that, not after all he's done for me. It's not fair."

"Logan this is not about being fair, Honey, this is your life, your well-being, start putting yourself first." She pointed her index finger into his chest, "like I said, lead, and those shall follow."

They both whirled around when the door suddenly swung open, hitting the wall with _BAN. _Kendall sauntered in, like a man on a mission and stormed over to the orange couch.

"It's later Logie, where are you?" he stood over his smaller friend, towering over his seated frame.

Logan suck in his lower lip; confused and a little annoyed. This is what he'd been talking about, not even a little space.

"Kendall...its been a half and hour, if that." he eyed the taller boy hesitantly, the blond looked a little... _explosive_, "I promised I'd come down later."

Kendall shook his head and outright protest, "well it's later now, come on." With that he grabbed the brunet from under his right armpit, forcing him to his feet. Logan relented.

"Kendall!" Mrs. Knight exclaimed standing up to separate her son from his violent grip on the smaller boy, "what's gotten into you?" Losing his grip on the brunet, Kendall staggered back slightly as the brunet pushed him away.

"What the hell Kendall?" Logan shouted, glaring angrily at the blond who matched his countenance to a T.

"I'd should be asking what's the hell is wrong with _you_! All week you've been avoiding me and the guys for Camille and Lucy!" Kendall ranted, eyes ablaze in anger and something else Logan couldn't quite place...

_Sadness?_

"Kendall..." Logan began, quickly being cut off by the blond.

"Why Logan?" Kendall ran a frustrated hand through his hair, completely caught in his web of confusion and anger, missing as Mrs. Knight quietly ventured off to her room.

Logan however had noticed her departure, silently thanking her for leaving them to handle it on their own.

_Lead and those shall follow._

"Kendall, please, just calm down okay?" he slowly, made his way over to his haggard friend, hands out ahead of him, prepared to rest comfortingly on the blond's shoulder.

But as he got close enough they were whacked away by the blond who continued to fall into his own pit of despair. Logan grew worried.

"Kendall please, I'll go down to the pool with you okay?" He moved forward again, "please calm down."

Kendall shook his head roughly stepping back, "Logan," he groaned, "I don't know – I-I can't." The last words slipped so brokenly from his lips, it almost brought Logan to tears.

"Can't what Kendall?" he whispered.

But the blond continued to shake his head, "I did, I did, I _did_ come up here to get you for the pool," he began, "but me and the guys were - _have_ been talking and, and, Logan we _can't_." he confessed.

"Can't _what_ Kendall" Logan repeated harshly, pushing forward and gripping the tall blond's shoulders roughly. When he was shoved backwards forcefully Logan started wishing he'd asked Mrs. Knight to stay.

"_Be like this anymore!_" Kendall's voice thundered about the apartment and Logan heard the faint thunk coming from Mrs. Knight's room.

"We can't Logan, we can't deal with it, with you," he heaved, "_I_ can't. Logan I tried, I- all week we've been treating you like _this_, like..." he trailed off. But Logan knew where he was headed.

"Like what? A _girl_?" He hissed, finishing the blond's words. The dawn of euphoria that crawled up the blond's features tore at Logan's insides.

"Exactly." The blond whispered, barely enough for Logan to hear. But he did, and somehow his best friends confession echoed around the apartment louder than before.

Logan snorted, this was all going to _shit_.

"I never asked you to Kendall, did I?" he murmured. The blond, finally really look into his eyes, furrowed his brows angrily.

"Well you are one, aren't you?" He sneered, "you're a girl now Logan, so of course, I would, right?"

It was something in the blond's words broke the last of Logan's resilience;_ this stupid fucking idiot still __wasn't getting it._

"_I've always been a girl Kendall, always, my entire fucking **life**!" _he boomed, marching back over to the blond and gripping him by the collar of his shirt. Ignoring the others boys surprised expression.

"_I've always been this way you stupid fucking idiot, I'd thought you understood that now!" _He shouted so loudly his throat burned for him to stop, but he couldn't, he was done.

Mrs. Knight was right.

_Lead and those shall follow. _Except, Logan no longer gave a _fuck_ if anyone followed.

"_My entire life, I've pretended to be someone I wasn't; for James, for Carlos, for **you**!" _He shoved the blond backwards and he fell numbly to the floor.

"_That's all – that's all, I ask!"_ he cried, pulling at his scalp just as the blond had earlier.

"I'm Logan, your b-best friend Logan," his mouth quivered as his emotions began spilling over, "so treat me like your _best friend_." he finished with a hallow, empty whisper, gazing down at the blond.

Kendall did not move, but stared dumbly at the now trembling brunet from his spot on the floor.

"It shouldn't matter _what_ I am, I'm your best friend – Logan. Treat me like Logan – _Logie_." With that, Logan heaved loudly, dropping his face into his hands and breathing heavily between heavy sobs. The blond watched him for a moment, unblinkingly, before he slowly rose from the floor and approach his broken best friend, pulling him into his arms.

"I'm sorry Logie" he whispered, pressing his lips into the brunet's scalp, shaking with the boy's heavy sobs.

"Just don't treat me differently, _please_," the boy in his arms pleaded between subsiding sniffles and hiccups

"I'm sorry, I won't, I promise," he kissed the top of Logan's head. _I love you._

"I can't lose you Kendall," he shook his head against the blond's chest, "not _you_."

* * *

"...and? What did you say to your parents?" Logan sighed.

"I was a kid, I assume you can guess." He sat across from the short blond haired woman, resting back against he cozy red arm chair, identical to the one the older woman in front of him sat.

Today was his second meeting with his therapist, the Monday following his first appointment. He had to admit, while she wasn't the sweetest lady in the world, she was good.

Logan had opened up to this stranger in the last session and half about more than he'd released to Mrs. Knight and his friends.

"I can guess Logan, the thing is though, it prevents you from saying _it_." Like _that_ for example, the woman barely knew him and could already read him like a book.

He sighed again, pitifully, "I know...I just..." he shrugged, he really wasn't sure.

"Is it because you think saying it makes it real?" she pressed, placing her notepad down the coffee table between them.

"I don't know...maybe?...Yes?" he squeaked sheepishly, glancing down at the coffee table. He caught sight of the yellow notepad and gasped.

"It's blank!" he exclaimed, pointing down at the object. The woman glanced down at the paper uninterestedly, nodding her head.

"It's mostly for show," she joined her hands together, resting back on the seat cushion, "don't change the subject."

"Well...okay, yes! Why not! Saying it does make it real and that bothers me..."

"Is it because you might not be transgender?" she enquired, watching as the brunet's head shot up and stared at her stupidly.

"Are you crazy? Of course it's real! People don't make this shit up like it's some guessing game!" he sat up straight, "I've known I am a girl as far as I could remember! How dare you – _oh_" He watched as the mischievous grin made it's way to her lips, and couldn't help but grin back.

"You're _good_" he commented, to which the woman only shrugged.

"I'm doing my job Logan, and you're quite bright yourself I must say." she smiled as the boy blushed.

"Thank you" he mumbled.

"I think we're on a good start here Logan." Logan felt so elated by those words, her voice sounding so steady and confident that he couldn't help but soak it in. He wanted her confidence, her strength it may just get him through this oncoming roller coaster. He eyed her carefully, watching as she capped her pen and placed it atop the notepad.

He may have just found his new role model.

* * *

**This chapter was courtesy of 2 hours sleep and an 8 hour work shift - hope you enjoyed.**


	10. Chapter 9

**Sorry for the long wait. If you follow me on Tumblr you'll notice that I said work got busy. This is a bit shorter...had a bit of difficulty, which is funny because I had the first paragraph written for over a week and just wasn't sure where to go with it.**

**This is what I came up with.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Kendall fiddled with the tube cap between his fingers. He was holding it for James, acting as some sort of wing-man for his friend who was currently lathering sunblock girl in a copious amount of sunscreen.

After the whole blowup with Logan the two of them had settled into an uncomfortable silence. Awkward greetings and short glances being their only source of interaction, and it made Kendall a little frustrated.

Being unable to communicate with his best friend disturbed him to his very core. What if they couldn't get past this? What if they were stuck in an this awkward friendship for the rest of their lives? Would they even be friends anymore down the road?

Kendall tossed the cap into the air with his right hand and caught it in his left. The outbursts of emotions they'd exchanged during the whole ordeal seemed to have gotten out of hand. Almost as if they'd both taken one giant leap forward, skipping many smaller in their paths. Maybe they needed to backtrack a bit and figure out more behind what went down that day.

Something changed between them, Kendall just wasn't sure what it was yet.

* * *

"But maybe if we-"

"No Carlos."

"But what if it-"

"_No Carlos."_

"You don't know what could-"

"Carlos!" Logan shouted, cutting off his friends ever constant protest. The shorter boy had been spending the better half of their morning trying to convince the genius to go along with his plan. Said plan, orchestrated by their _beloved_ manager, where Carlos was to convince Logan to meet the surgeon Gustavo had selected for him.

"I thought I was supposed to have a _say_ in which Doctor was chosen for _my_ procedure." Carlos nodded vigorously.

"Yeah and you will! But Gustavo said this guy was really super awesome!"

Logan eyed his friend sceptically, wondering why Gustavo would choose Carlos from his three friends to try and convince him to do something against his will.

"C'mon Logan, this could be really good for you...for all of us!" He sighed heavily when Logan did not budge.

"Look, I really didn't want to make you have to do this, but I care about you Logan, I only want you to be happy." Carlos sunk down onto the orange couch, Logan taking a seat beside him.

"Carlos, making me go see a doctor that-" He paused, lifting a hand to silence the shorter boy as he made to protest again, "that will be taking my measurements and signing me up for a consult, does not mean I'm making the choice here."

"But you could always just tell Gustavo afterwards if you don't really like him!" Carlos pressed on, sitting up to face the other brunet. Logan sighed, casting a glance off to the side before turning back to his friend. The Latino boy looked anxious and Logan felt a little bad for being stubborn.

"Carlos, I know you have good intentions and you're only looking out for me," he smiled when the shorter boy immediately nodded his head, "but I think Gustavo is in the wrong here." His friend instantly looked confused so Logan went to explain.

"I think Gustavo may be rushing me for the sake of the band - and believe me I care about what this does to the band too! It's just..." Logan took his lower lip between his teeth, "Carlos I'm worried – scared."

He watched as the shorter boys' expression softened, nodding to himself as he searched for a valid response.

"I'm sorry Logan, again," he sighed sadly looking up at the taller brunet, "I guess me and the guys are just not good at this." Carlos wasn't even sure what this was still and it frustrated him that his friend was entirely aware of that.

"Carlos the fact that you guys are trying his more than enough, okay?" He waited for the shorter boy to respond, but the Latino remained with his head hung low, staring down the bright sofa fabric.

Logan sighed for the umpteenth time, standing up from the sofa ,"you know what Carlitos?" Let's go meet this doctor, see if he's the right one for me. If not, we can go berate Gustavo for not allowing me any input on the decision." He inwardly cheered as the Latino immediately looked up at him, beaming happily before jumping off the sofa to join Logan.

As they exited Logan silently prayed this went as well as his meeting with his therapist, Dr. Gerald. Ignoring the tell-tale shiver up his back warning him of oncoming danger.

How bad could things turn out to be?

* * *

"So you _think_ you're a girl?" The doctor standing before him rifled through a file of documents, gazing apathetically up at Logan every few seconds. Logan gripped the edge of the examination bed, his knuckles turning white. Carlos sat on a stool situated beside the examination bed, glancing back and forth between Logan and the doctor nervously.

"I don't _think_ I am, I know I am." The doctor stopped rifling through the file and dropped it down carelessly on his desk. He leaned back against it and crossed his arms.

"Alright," he began, lifting one arm in Logan's direction, "then take off your pants and prove to me you're female."

Logan froze, struck with utter disbelief at what the doctor had just asked him to do.

"E-excuse me?" He managed to sputter out, glancing over at his shorter friend, noticing he was in the same state as himself.

The doctor pushed away from his desk and approached Logan. "Look Mr. Mitchell, I've dealt with you're kind before." And just as Logan went to ask what he meant by "_you're kind_" he continued.

"Momma play a little too much dress up with her baby boy? His voice came out so tauntingly and Logan had to dig his fingers into the bed cushion to stop himself from clocking this _doctor_ in the face. He went to counter with a response but a flutter in his belly swallowed his words and fighting the urge to vomit.

_Why couldn't he saying anything?"_

"I think that's enough here." Carlos said solemnly, eyeing the doctor warily as he grabbed onto a numb Logan's hand and drug him out of the room.

Once through the doors, Logan let himself break down in the middle of the empty hallway. He heaved in a shaky breath and grasped onto the front of the shorter boys t-shirt. His shoulders shook as what had just transpired in the doctors office hit him like a ton of bricks.

Carlos glanced about the hallway as he clutched the taller boys shoulders comfortingly. "C'mon Logie, let's get of here okay? We can go get some _McDonald's_ ice cream?" Logan nodded and released his grip from Carlos' shirt, opting for pressing against his side instead.

Carlos knew what happened in the doctors' office would eventually pass along and no longer bother the brunet.

He was more concerned about how Logan would react when he realized that there was more than just that one crummy asshole who felt the same way about Logan's condition.

That terrified Carlos beyond belief.

* * *

Logan and Carlos never managed to stop by _Rocque Records_ to bitch out Gustavo on his terrible choice of doctor and highly evident lack in background check on the doctors credentials.

But to be honest it was less so that they managed to, and more so that Logan just wasn't feeling up to it today. Once they'd reached the _McDonald's_, he pleaded for Carlos to just go the the drive-thru so they could be in and out faster.

The genius just wanted to get back to their apartment and curl under the covers of his bed. Carlos knew it wasn't healthy to just let his friend give in to his wounded feelings, but he didn't have the heart to turn him down just then.

They made it back to the apartment just as Kendall and James were returning from the pool. Still sporting their swim shorts, James made a quick beeline for the bathroom, shouting dibs on the shower before the blond could get a word out.

So Kendall rolled his eyes and slumped against the orange couch, already occupied by his abnormally silent Latino best friend.

"Carlos? Is everything okay?" He flipped around the back end of the couch and joined the shorter boy. Carlos shook his head and Kendall frowned.

"What's wrong? Is it Logan? Where is he?" Honestly, Kendall had noticed Logan's absence when he'd walked into the apartment and had felt a little relieved and a lot guilty upon not seeing the little genius.

"We had a really bad visit to the doctors today." Carlos confessed, "Gustavo really knows how to pick 'em."

Kendall furrowed a brow, "bad how?" He couldn't help but notice the swelling anger in his chest when thinking of the possible 'bad' scenarios. He was aware that Logan had some sort of appointment today, he just didn't expect it to be the doctors. _Not this soon._

"The guy basically accused Logan of making the whole thing up, flat out told him that he was wrong about what he was feeling." Carlos snorted in disgust, "he completely wrecked him in the span of fifteen minutes."

Kendall said nothing, but glanced at his bedroom door with a look of concern. He knew better than any one of his friends what Logan was going through and what he was thinking. The small brunet had out-poured his every thought and feeling to him just a few days prior.

Patting Carlos' shoulder he stood up from the couch and made his way to his shared bedroom. Maybe mending this awkward tension between him and Logan could be done through comforting his best friend. He gently twisted the handle of the bedroom and stepped into the dark room, shutting it slowly behind him.

Either way he was going to be there for Logan.

* * *

After Kendall had left the room, Carlos continued to brood on the couch, grumbling curses about the vicious doctor who'd torn one of his best friends apart.

"Hey Carlitos." James chimed, jumping onto the couch next to his short friend. He'd just finished his shower and had slipped on a pair of boxers and plain t-shirt. A towel was wrapped around his neck for him to later dry his still damp hair.

"Hey James." Carlos mumbled, subsiding from his curses to pick at loose threads from the sofa cushion. James wiped his ears with the towel, eyes never leaving the brooding Latino.

"S'matter buddy?"

"... Nothing." He grumbled, eyes never leaving the imaginary thread he was fixating himself with.

"Doesn't sound like it." James poked his shoulder, "c'mon, we're _Party Kings _you can tell me."

Carlos sighed, "it's complicated James." He really rather not go into detail again about the days events, but he knew if James continued to press, he'd be obligated to tell his friend.

"Did something happen as his appointment today?" James continued, eyeing his friend worriedly, "is Logan okay?"

Carlos nodded, "not really," he groaned in frustration, "but I should have done something James, something more!"

The pretty boy eyed Carlos with a look of confusion, having not heard the whole story he decided to wing it.

"I'm sure you did everything you could." Carlos shook his head.

"I didn't though, I should have told that doctor off James – he was such a jerk!" Carlos' expression dampened, "Logan looked so broken."

James watched the exchange of emotions in Carlos' eyes. He'd swear the boy was...

"I was there, and all I did was get him out of the room and by him a sundae..." Carlos continued to ramble on, the fire returning to his eyes.

James was almost sure of it now.

"I should have done something more..."

"Carlos?" James interrupted, "don't freak out or anything because I'm just asking here but..."

Carlos blinked and looked up at him, "what?"

"Are you...do you like, have a thing for Logan?" Carlos looked up at him incredulously.

"What? Why? Of course not James...no!" looking away, he bit down on his lower lip, thinking hard.

"I-I don't think so..." James could feel the panic fill his stomach as the Latino turned back to him with a look of defeat.

"Maybe...?"

* * *

**So at least one more chapter to go and then I'll be planning a schedule which I'll be posting on Tumblr, showing which date(s) I'll be updating on.**

**This chapter was saved under the name 'chaptt'. **

**Don't forget to review! **

**Kind criticism feeds me. **


	11. Chapter 10

**So it's been awhile... sorry. School is a bother. Things happen here so and promises are made and maybe, eventually, broken?**

* * *

As Kendall stepped into the darkened room he could faintly make out Logan's form curled into a ball under the bed covers.

"Logan?" He called tentatively, letting go of the doorknob and approaching the end of the smaller boys bed.

He received a sad whimper in response, Logan shuffled slightly under the covers, crawling towards his pillow. His head finally peered over the top of the bed sheet, holding the fabric just under his eyes.

"Yes?" He mumbled, his voice muffled by the think blanket. Kendall gave a sad smile, slipping around the end of the bed and sitting down on the edge by Logan's form. He brought his hand up to rest it in Logan's hair but when his friend winced he pulled back.

"Logie..." he started softly, "You know I could never imagine what you're going through," he paused. "But I do want to try, but please, please don't shut me out." Logan regarded the blond, his long fingers tangled together in his lap as he earnestly waited on the brunet's reply.

Sitting up a little, Logan let the blanket drop to stomach. He smiled at his blond friend, "I know you're trying Kendall, you all are. Carlos took me to the Doctor's today, _Carlos._" He chuckled fondly, "and all of your support is making this way easier, really, it's just..." he bit down on his lower lip, mind mulling over what to say, "it's just a long road you know?" Kendall nodded silently, allowing for the brunet to go on.

"I wish I could just, you know, '_poof_', and be everything I want and always...dreamed of being. Like, I want to see the look on that Doctor's face when I show up one day, on the news or something, all _me_ and perfect and happy and...pretty." Logan grinned, "I'd show him that _this_ is real, and not just some _faze_ or just playing pretend." He chuckled, "I bet he'd have this really douchy gaping mouth thing going on." Kendall laughed at his friends words, pleased to see that maybe Logan was going to be okay.

"Kendall?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you," Logan smiled bright at the blond, "for you know, letting me just talk, all the time, and, you know, thanks for listening."

Kendall was so warmed by his friends thanks, Logan was such a sweet soul.

Before he could even process what he was doing, Kendall had lent in a kissed the brunet.

* * *

"What you mean _maybe_ Carlos?" James exclaimed, pacing before the shorter boy, "maybe doesn't answer whether or not your _in love_ with Logan!"

Carlos shrugged sheepishly, honestly maybe he'd spoken to soon. Sure he loved Logan, and after the ordeal at the Doctor's office he felt such an overwhelming desire to just protect his intelligent friend from all his pain and suffering. They'd all seen the turmoil Logan's had to deal with, and this was really on the start, maybe Carlos just wanted to be there for his friend?

"Carlos," James bit out, "quit spacing out on me and answer!" The pretty brunet had stopped before Carlos, looming over his seated figure. Carlos gulped, he'd never seen such a fierce determination upon James face, not unless it had something to do with getting the latest _Cuda_ products or surround his 'lucky comb.'

"I'm not sure James, maybe what I meant to say was, I love Logan, but like a brother, you know?"

"Sister."

"Huh?"

"Sister, Carlos." James' gaze softened, "I didn't mean to snap at you buddy, I'm just a little riled up I guess." Carlos looked curiously up at his friend.

"About what?" James sighed frustratedly.

"Same thing as you? I care about Logan too okay?" He plopped down next to Carlos, "I kills me to not be able to do something to help Logan feel better." Carlos frowned.

"I still don't get why'd you blow up at me just because I said I 'like' Logan." He lifted an accusatory finger at the brunet's face, "_you_ like Logan don't you?"

James snorted, "No. It's just the last thing Logan needs right now. Logan needs to focus on Logan, and we need to do is support him, not try and push our own feelings onto him." He pushed Carlos hand away from his face, "so if you think you do like Logan, just try and keep it to yourself right now okay? When the time comes, Logan will decide." Carlos remained silent, gazing at his taller friend.

"Why are you switching pronouns again?"

James shrugged, "I don't know, do we even know what Logan's comfortable with?" He shrugged again for good measure, "I'm just trying anything out."

Carlos nodded dumbly, slowly turning his head to face Logan and Kendall's bedroom door.

He blinked, "it's really quiet in there." James followed his gaze.

"Whatever, I'm sure they're fine."

* * *

Logan pushed against the blond's chest sending him sprawling backwards onto the hardwood floor. Kendall landed with a pained grunt and Logan leaned over the edge of the bed staring at the blond with mask of fear.

"Why did you do that Kendall?" The blond groaned again, shaking his head as he sat up, the room spun a bit and Kendall steadied himself back against the bed.

"Do what?" He asked quizzically, eyes still shut as he tried to shake the sparks lighting up behind his eyelids.

"You kissed me!" Logan exclaimed loudly, "why would you do that?"

"I don't know." Kendall murmured, rubbing his hands over his eyes and finally deeming himself well enough to stand. He turned to face Logan still on the bed, the brunet looked so confused and scared Kendall suddenly wished to just pull him in his arms and whisk everything bad away.

It hurt even more because mere seconds before everything was just turning around for the better. He'd finally gotten over that awkward build with the brunet that erupted during their fight.

Now, as he met the brunet's gaze, he felt like he was back where he started.

"I'm sorry Logie," he started, still standing stalk still beside the bed, mind split on what to say, and processing those thoughts into something coherent in his still jumbled brain.

"Did you hit your head that hard?" Logan asked softly, sounding guilty. Kendall wasn't going to let that happen though, guilt over something so stupid was not going to be added to the brunet's already large load. _He harboured enough unnecessary guilt already_, Kendall thought.

_How could someone feel guilty for just trying to be themselves?_

"No Logie, I'm fine." Kendall sat down next to the brunet, keeping an appropriate distance between so as to not push the brunet away.

"I'm sorry, I should feel guilty for kissing you when you were so vulnerable." Kendall apologized, tentatively meeting the brunet's gaze. Logan sighed and crawled over next to Kendall, he leaned against the blond's side and looked up at from his shoulder, his chin stretched uncomfortably from the blond's longer frame.

"Kiss me again," he whispered, meeting the blond's green eyes, "kiss me again and I'll show you how 'vulnerable' I am." Kendall although momentarily stunned by the smaller boy proclamation, could see the daring in those dark eyes and quickly complied, dipping slightly to meet the brunet's pink lips.

Everything faded into black as Kendall drifted into the kiss, his hand unconsciously coming to cup the side of Logan's face pulling him in closer for more.

* * *

"I don't think it's a good idea for any of us to try anything with Logan right now," James admitted. He's too vulnerable and it's better for Logan. So we keep our feelings to ourselves until the time is right, okay?"

Carlos rolled his eyes, "you said that already James. Why are you repeating it?"

"Just say okay."

"Okay! Okay! Fine, we – _wait_, you do like Logan don't you?" Carlos' eyes narrowed watching as the pretty boy chewed his lip, but his gaze not wavering.

James finally frowned, "it doesn't matter okay? We're not trying anything with Logan. Promise me Carlos, promise me right now."

"If you admit you like Logan!" Carlos pushed, glaring at his tall friend. James only glared in return, remaining placid to the boy's accusations.

"Fine! Promise, yes, I promise." He again pointed a finger directly at James, "but don't you dare accuse me of my feelings for Logan ever again."

"Fine," James bit out. Content, Carlos nodded and stood up from the coach, he gazed around the room eyes finally landing on the kitchen stove, he frowned.

"What are we having for dinner?" Mrs. Knight was nowhere in sight, in fact, neither was Katie. Where the heck did those two always disappear to?

James, still on the couch but now having switched on the television, responded to Carlos over his shoulder.

"Mama Knight and Katie went out this afternoon after you'd left with Logan to the Doctor's." He explained. "We can just order out."

Carlos happily agreed, "pizza it is!" He grabbed the phone from the kitchen counter hit speed dial two.

"What do you want on the pizza?"

"Get two, no three, and I just want cheese." Carlos nodded, making his way to their friends' room to ask them what they wanted.

"Lame choice for James – check!" He snorted when James shouted an offended 'hey!" from the couch.

He passed the phone to his left hand and placing it back against his ear. With his right he reached for the doorknob and turned it.

"Yeah, hi! Three pizza's please, one cheese, one meat lovers and yeah, yeah, sorry hold on one second," he placed the phone to his chest and looked over to his friends.

"Hey guys, what do you want on your pizza?" Logan smiled up at Carlos, turning away from the book on his lap.

"Veggie please Carlos." Carlos beamed brightly at Logan return before turning to Kendall, "dude?"

Kendall turned his attention from his laptop, spinning in his desk chair and smiling uneasily at the short boy.

"Pepperoni," was all he said. Carlos nodded, lifting the phone back to his ear, he shot one last cheerful smile at Logan and turned to walk of the room.

"Yeah, sorry that was..." As the Latino's voice drifted into the hallway Kendall turned to Logan on his bed, attention back on the book in his lap.

Sensing the blond's gaze, Logan lifted his head to face the blond. Kendall smiled nervously, "so are we okay?"

Logan smirked, "yeah, we're okay." His gaze remained on the blond until Kendall coughed noisily and turned his attention back to his laptop screen.

* * *

**What's happening?! I don't know really...**

**Please remember to review!**


	12. Chapter 11

**I apologized for the exceptionally long wait.**

* * *

"So I was thinking of going with a nice pale pink tone," Logan says, inspecting his nails, "you know, nothing to strong, something sweet and subtle."

Ms. Allen, his therapist for the last few weeks, watches him silently, arms and legs crossed, resting comfortably back in her sofa chair.

"I think it would look...cute.' Logan says with a little secretive smile, and Ms. Allen silently wonders if he realizes where he still is.

"Logan." Ms. Allen calls, watching with amusement as the boy jerks from his thoughts and looks up at her in surprise. She smiles as he tucks his hands between his legs and sits up straight.

"Logan," she repeats, sitting up straight herself, "is there something you want to tell me?" Logan looks momentarily confused until he flushes.

"It's nothing really..I uh, I think...that just maybe... I have a boyfriend?" He tries, a frown coming upon his face. He's really not sure what he and Kendall are, they've been having series of make out sessions in the privacy of their bedroom, but outside their room...nothing had changed.

Ms. Allen reaches for her pen, resting on the coffee table between them. "Can you tell me what you mean by _'you think?'" _Logan bites his lip, he's really not sure how to properly explain it, and he feels a little embarrassed.

"Uh we kissed, a few times..." His response is meagre, and he knows it, but Ms. Allen nods.

"So you're now compelled to wear nail polish?" She asks, and it sounds innocent but Logan swears he can hear an inkling of disappointment in her tone.

"Uh, no." He responds, Ms. Allen raises an eyebrow. "I just, I feel good about it now you know?"

Ms. Allen sighs, dropping her pen back onto the coffee table – something Logan recently found she has a habit of doing it – before leaning forward towards Logan.

"Logan I worry about you. Honestly, I know it's only been a few weeks, but I have not seen any progress within our sessions." She frowns, picking up her pen again and begins to play with the plastic cap, "I should have said something earlier."

Logan feels his heart sink in his chest, taken aback, he blinks trying to process everything suddenly being confessed at him.

"I uh.." is what he manages before his throat catches and he feels himself blinking back tears. His chest hurts and his throat is sore as if he's been crying for ages, it feels like he's being scolded for doing something bad, letting someone down.

Apparently it's himself, he has been letting himself down all this time.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes, and he's not sure if it's too himself, or to Ms. Allen for wasting her time. "I'll try harder." He's not sure on exactly what he's supposed to try harder on though.

Ms. Allen frowns, "Logan," she begins, stretching a hand across the table for his knee. She barely brushes it, but Logan leans forward to accommodate her. "It's not your fault Logan, in fact, it's no ones fault."

She leans back and sits up straight, dropping the pen back down again, "I think I should explain myself further instead of jumping onto words like that." Logan can feel himself nodding compliantly before he can even stop it. He shoots up straight, hands out before him as if saying 'wait'.

"I think you're doing a fabulous job Ms. Allen really! I understand!" She smiles thankfully but shakes her head.

"Let me just explain Logan, I think we can come to some sort of conclusion okay?" Logan is fearful but nods, this past week he's felt so great about everything, so happy...he though he'd been making progress.

"Logan ever heard of the phrase 'slap a band-aid on it'?" Logan nods slowly, not sure what she may be getting at.

"I'm worried that in these past few sessions, all I have been doing is giving you answers. Positive answers to the questions that may trouble you." She frowns, "but what I haven't been doing is showing you, teaching you, and ultimately, I have not been helping you."

"But you have been helping me!" Logan protests, "answering those questions have helped me understand more about myself to draw conclusions on the matters that trouble me."

"All I've been doing is giving you logical solutions that influence you positively yes, but don't ultimately help the matter."

Logan doesn't say anything, Ms. Allen sighs, gazing over at the young teen as she tries to come up with a clear explanation.

"Let's take today for example; you think that because you are now happy and in a relationship that it's okay for you to now feel more comfortable in your gender. The gender you know you are." Logan nods slowly again, waiting for her to continue.

"If I were to agree with that statement, and let you be on your way, what do you think would happen Logan?"

"I'd be...happy." He answers, "I'd have more answers and therefore more conclusions."

Ms. Allen smiles, "but what would happen if next time you came in and say, your boyfriend broke up with you? How would you feel?"

Logan frowns, "sad of course."

"Would you ever think to put the blame on your biological sex? Or perhaps your specified gender?" When the boy looks up at her with surprise, she knows she's hit it right on the nail.

Logan flushes, because it's true, a part of him would think it had something to do with who he is, what he is, and how he identifies himself.

"Now what would you do in this case?" She asks.

"I'd...I don't know, I don't think I'd want to do anything" he confesses.

Ms. Allen visibly relaxes, glad she's beginning to help the boy understand what she is getting at, she always knew he was intelligent.

"Would it perhaps, effect your ability to more comfortable, or be yourself? After being betrayed by someone who made you feel comfortable? Now making you feel vulnerable?"

Logan bites the inside of his cheek, "I'm not sure...possibly, I'd think I'd feel like I was wrong? Everything I did or believed was wrong?"

"So do you see now?"

"...Not exactly." Logan admits, looking sheepish. Ms. Allen smiles.

"If I tell you all the answers and let you be on your way, you're not learning anything right?" Logan nods, he understands that, it's like when his friends would copy his homework but still fail tests because they weren't doing anything by not trying to learn the steps.

"Right, there's steps." he responds. She nods.

"So therefore I'm just slapping a band-aid on it. If I let you walk out of here today thinking that being with this, I'm sure, wonderful gentleman, will solve your problems then I'm not doing my job."

"Then what should I do?" Logan asks, looking concerned "do I have to leave Kendall?"

Ms. Allen shakes her head, smiling, "of course not, in fact, you don't even have to agree with me. I just want to help you in the best way I can." She uncrosses her legs, "here let me finish."

"I don't want you leaving here thinking I've given you all the answers. I cannot do that, no one, can. What I want to help you with is to rule your emotions, accept yourself as you are and for you not to think all your problems come from you identifying by your gender versus your biological sex."

"So then what can I do?" Logan asks.

"Anything. But what we are doing here today is wrong. People relate therapy to problems, problems they cannot overcome on their own."

"Do you mean to say that I shouldn't be in therapy?"

"Well that is ultimately up to you. But what I mean to get across is this setting, you across from me and I across from you, divided by this coffee table," she gestures between them and then down at the piece of furniture, "mentally indicates to you that you are here because you have a problem. Am I wrong?"

Logan thinks about it for a moment, before shaking his head. "I did come here thinking I had a problem..."

"It is that thinking that will be the reason you never heal Logan." Ms. Allen answers honestly and Logan can feel the panic quickly rising in his chest.

"But.." he squeaks out. Ms. Allen ignores him and continues on.

"That is why I want to help you, truly help you, this may feel a little formal to you, and therefore you instinctively have your barriers up." She doesn't wait for him to verify this, as she stands.

"If I were to come sit next to you, and speak to you like a good, long time friend, what would you do?"

Logan blinks as she does just that, walking over and sitting next to him at a comfortable distance, looking more casual than he's ever seen her.

"I'd.. well..."

"Perhaps if I was Kendall, or any other of your friends. Passively asking you about your day - How's the weather Logan?"

Logan blinks so more, "uh..."

"Would your shoulders loosen as they just did? Or perhaps you'd smile a little as you are now?" Logan sucks in his lower lip, ineffectively removing the grin he has spreading on his face. Ms. Allen smiles back.

"Before you can fully overcome your 'problems'," she says using air quotes, "you need to accept yourself."

Logan nods, "I don't I guess, not all of me at least."

"That's unfair to you Logan, because until you can accept yourself as who you are, you cannot properly function in any other setting of life."

Ms. Allen reaches in her pants pocket, pulling out a small sheet of paper. She then reaches over to the other end of the coffee table and picks up her pen again.

"I want to introduce you to someone, actually a few someones," she scribbles something down on the recycled piece of paper before handing it to Logan.

Logan lifts it up to his face, "this is an address." Ms Allen nods.

"It's a community group I run, completely free of charge for anyone and everyone having trouble accepting themselves into their lifestyles." She explains.

Logan looks up at her, "are there others...like me?"

Ms. Allen grins, "acceptance of gender or sex? Of course. All walks of life."

Tucking the paper safely into his own pocket, Logan nods, turning back to the therapist.

"You don't have to go Logan. You are free to forget everything I've said today and return as per our normal sessions next week." Logan shakes his head.

"No...No I get it you're right. I've been up until now, gearing my life to the acceptance of what I am instead of who I am. Truth is, my gender _and_ my sex are just small details about me." He smiles at Ms. Allen, "I have to learn to accept all of me, for who I am, for what I am, without, uh, 'slapping a band-aid on it?"

She nods, "right."

Logan smiles to himself, gazing down at his hands. Up until now, he'd been telling himself and having others telling him to accept himself. It had been in front of him all this time, but he'd never taken the time to truly think about what it means to accept himself. He thought it was about pushing himself away from others, protecting himself from intruders.

But all that would and have so far accomplished is setting himself up for failure and pain. The second he let someone in, let someone come close to his heart, he would not know how to deal if they were to break away. He was forever ruling himself by negative emotions, only letting himself be seen as who he struggled so hard to be. He was forgetting he's just another regular human being, and who he is biologically or otherwise was not that important.

He was trying so hard to accept himself that he did not realize he was actually doing the exact opposite, shutting himself off from who he truly is.

"In these sessions, your free to speak your mind, interact with others; share opinions, perspectives, you may learn a lot about yourself Logan." Ms. Allen spoke up again.

"Gender and sex are not all black and white. But when we are born we are set to believe that the biological sex they slap onto your birth certificate is what you must be forever." She rests a comforting hand on his shoulder, "that is untrue, your gender does not have to be your sex, and your sex does not have to be your gender."

"I think I get it... a little," he nods.

"You'll figure it out along the way Logan, we'll set you on the path to learning how to live by you."

* * *

**Please do review! This chapter was an absolute mindfuck to write and I'd really appreciate feedback on it.**


	13. Chapter 12

**Once again, sorry for the long wait. February and March, especially March are very troublesome months in university. However 9 papers later, here I am! Please remember to review, I love your feedback. **

**Thank you for all the reviews, favs, watches etc so far! Trust me I read all of them. xx**

* * *

The light from the camera flickers orange until it transitions to green and Logan is looking back at himself on the digital screen.

"Uh..hi," he says awkwardly into the camera, he can see his right eyebrow twitch on the screen and feels the faint tingle from his brow. "This is entry number.." he mulls over it, counting in his head where he's at. He's actually made quite a few video diaries in the past week, a newfound enthusiasm having sparked since his previous conversation with Ms. Allen.

"Seven!" he says proudly, having finally remembered. He picks up the camera, the image of him on the screen becoming jostled as he adjusts it. He sets it back down on the floor in front of him and lays down on his stomach. He feels more grounded like this, like he's stabilized, comforted, and can freely express how he feels.

"I have my first group meeting today." He rests his hands flat under his chin, "it's a community centre in downtown L.A. I'm excited," he shrugs just slightly, "I think. Maybe a little nervous too. There will be other people there...maybe some like me?" The last part comes out like a question, Logan's honestly not sure who he'll meet, Ms. Allen gave him a very vague description of the place altogether.

"I also spoke to Camille..and Lucy." He sighs and looks directly into the camera, "I think they still need time, not really with me, but between them. They won't..they don't talk much. Lucy says she doesn't feel she can trust Camille. I don't fully understand, I mean, this is about me, it's my problem, so I don't see why they have to fight."

The door to 2J opens and Logan looks back to see Kendall come in, carrying groceries. His Mother appears behind him, along with his sister playing on her _gameboy_ and holding a single bag of groceries in one hand. Kendall sets his bags on the counter and accepts the little kiss on his cheek from his Mother for his help of bringing the bags in.

Kendall walks over to where Logan still lays on his stomach in front of the camera. He lays down beside him and kisses the brunet's temple.

"Everything alright?" he asks, playing with the brunet's bangs. Logan nods and looks back at the camera, "yeah I uh, I'm recording one of my video diaries, I was thinking of doing one regularly as soon as I get my first estrogen injection." Kendall nods, "sure love, whatever makes you comfortable." Logan blushes, nodding along with the blond, he's happy, excited and nervous all at once.

"Uhm.." he looks back into the camera lens and flushes more, quickly reaching for the STOP button and watching as the screen goes blank. Kendall looks at him, confused, "you're already done?" Logan nods, picking up the camera and standing, Kendall follows him to stand.

Logan clutches the camera close to his chest and smiles up at the blond, "I've got to go get ready for the group meeting," he leans up and pecks the blond on the lips, before pulling away and scampering off to their shared bedroom.

Kendall watches him go, a blank expression on his face.

* * *

It takes Logan approximately 24 minutes to get to the centre by bus. He only knows this because he timed it on his watch after he walked out the front door. The building is nothing special to the eye. It looks like the regular run-of-the-mill community centre. Logan can see a stack up books piled up on one window on the far left, assuming there's a library here as well. He goes in through the main entrance, the lobby is just as simple as the rest of the building, white walls covered with flyer boards piled with ads for clubs and the sort. He goes up the to the desk and the woman behind the desk smiles at him.

"How can I help you?" Logan clears his throat.

"I'm looking for Ms. Allen's group? She told me to just ask the desk." The receptionist nods with a smile, before turning her back to him to grab something from a drawer to her right. She comes up with a paper, and places it on the counter between them.

"You're a little early, but if you'd like you can go wait in the room," she places her finger at the bottom of the sheet next to a number with Ms. Allen's name, "it's 204." Logan nods and thanks her, she smiles and welcomes him in return, sliding the sheet back into the drawer.

Logan sticks his hands into his pockets as he shuffles down the hallway. His finger tips grace over the paper of his bus tickets and the jingle of his house keys follow seconds later when curls his index through the wire of the keychain.

He finds room 204 relatively easily, the door is opened slightly so Logan presses against the wood gently and walks in. There's one other person in the room, he notices right away, a boy probably around his age sitting at the far-end of the room. He doesn't look up though when Logan walks into the room, on closer inspection Logan can see that he's on his phone but he doesn't have any earphones in, so he tries say something.

"Hello," he tries.

Nothing.

"Uhm, okay." Logan takes a seat closest to the door and pulls out his own phone. The time reads 11:28, the sessions are supposed to start at 11:45 according to Ms. Allen's instruction, so Logan has some time to kill. He plays BrickBreaker on his phone for five minutes until he gets bored. Lifting his head up, he looks back over at the other boy across the room. He has dark hair like Logan and pale, pinkish skin. He's thin, as far as Logan can tell, from the baggy t-shirt and loose jeans. He smiles down at his phone, letting out a soft little laugh before typing something. Logan doesn't realize how long he's watching the boy until the door bursts open, Logan feels momentary guilt for closing it, and another boy stumbles into the room, breathing heavily.

"Where is she?" This time the other boy looks up from his phone and shrugs.

"Not here yet Bucky." The new boy narrows his eyes dangerously at the other.

"I told you not to call me that Alex." The brunet shrugs again, sliding his phone into his pocket.

"So you have. Come sit with me Buck." The new boy grunts but complies, walking around the table, completely ignoring Logan and taking a seat next to the brunet.

"Uh, hi." Logan tries again, waving his hand a little.

The new boy turns to him, but this 'Alex' continues to ignore him.

"Are you new?" The new boy, Buck asks.

Logan nods.

"What's your name?" Logan clears his throat.

"Logan." Buck nods.

"I'm Buck," he says, as if Logan had missed their entire interaction, "and this is Alex."

"I prefer Tim," Alex says, not looking at Logan still.

Buck looks back at his friend before turning back to Logan.

"He likes Tim 'cause Alex was his old name." Logan dares to enquire further.

"Old name?" Again Buck looks back at 'Tim' then back at Logan.

"Alex was short for Alexandra, he's a female to male transgender." Logan thinks he should be surprised, but he had actually hoped there would be more people in the same situation like him.

"I didn't say it was okay to tell him that," Tim sounds stern but there's no real fire behind his words. Buck grins at the brunet, his own freckled face stretching wide.

"Aw c'mon Tim, he seems okay." Logan feels his shoulders relax a little, not even aware he'd been so tense before, and he smiles.

"Thanks." Buck nods, his curly red-brown hair shifting.

"If you don't mind me asking, Buck, are you also...like Tim?"

Buck smiles but shakes his head, "no, I got some emotional stuff more than physical, how about you shrimpy?"

Logan ignores the nickname, hoping to keep this going in the right direction.

"I'm male to female transgender," he says, thinking the best possible way to explain it, is by using words along the same lines as Tim.

Buck is silent for a moment before he chuckles, "okay."

Tim finally looks up at Logan, "you wanna be a girl?"

Logan nods hesitantly, "I don't want to be, I am, I just need to fix some things...physically."

The other two share a look, and Buck snorts.

"You look like a boy to me."

The little sentence alone breaks something inside Logan and he grips his knees. His hands feel sweaty and all the sudden he just really wants to leave.

"That's what I mean, physically I loo-" He's interrupted as the door burst open and Ms. Allen steps in with a girl behind her.

"I'm sorry I'm late guys, I had some urgent business to attend to." The girl behind Ms. Allen steps around her and takes a seat next to Logan.

"Hi." Logan tries for a third time. The girl turns to him with a smile and holds out her hand, "hey there, I'm Julia, you must be new, what's your name?"

Logan smiles brightly, "I'm Logan, it's nice to meet you too."

Ms. Allen takes a seat at the centre of the table and pulls a few papers from her book bag.

"Alright guys, we'll go ahead and start, whomever joins us can but we won't waste anytime." She turns to Logan, "I'm glad you decided to come Logan."

Logan nods minutely, clasping his hands together between his thighs. The nervousness rises in the pit of his stomach and he swallows in attempt to relieve some the pressure.

He's not sure why he's nervous, all there doing is talking.

Ms. Allen pulls open a notebook, "alright, let's start..."

* * *

Kendall is watching _The Avengers_ on his laptop when Logan comes into the room.

It's after dinner and it was Logan's turn to help his Mom with the cleanup. Kendall pauses the movie and sets his laptop on the side, sitting up. He hasn't had the opportunity to talk to Logan about his meeting yet and he'd curious about it all afternoon.

He wants to know about everything that goes on in this group, or as much as Logan is willing to share with him. Kendall wants to be able to support his love as best he can, and he thinks he can do that best by understanding what the brunet goes through everyday, sharing their thoughts.

"Hey babe, a mess out there?" Logan chuckles, taking a seat in the desk chair, "I swear Carlos like, obliterated the macaroni." Kendall laughs and sits on the end of the bed, directly across from Logan.

"So, how was everything today?" Logan looks at him, then down at his feet, he shrugs. Kendall immediately worries something went wrong.

"Did something happen?" Logan shakes his head.

"Logan-"

"It went really, really, well Kendall. Like, everyone was so amazing, talking about their problems." He smiles up at Kendall, it's a smile Kendall's never seen before. He looks happy, relieved even, the lines he wasn't even aware of before are gone and Logan looks so natural.

"I can't wait to go back," he admits. Kendall smiles and nods, he feels a pang of jealousy, because he hasn't been able to make Logan smile this way, or make Logan happy this way. But if there is something out there that is actually helping to make Logan feel better, he'll take it.

"That good huh?" Logan nods.

Kendall stands from the bed and approaches Logan, he pulls the brunet up by his hands and doesn't wait for the brunet to catch up when he dips his head down and kisses Logan soundly.

Logan catches on quickly though, and grips Kendall's hands tightly, pulling his away and moving them up to the blond's shoulder and gripping the fabric of Kendall's shirt.

The blond's hand find his waist and Logan feels the heat creep from his lower back as Kendall rests one hand their and leaves the other on his waist. They don't pull away until the need for air becomes impossible and break apart with a shallow breath. Logan looks up into Kendall's eyes and thinks.

He smiles a little.

"I want to go shopping tomorrow."

* * *

**Hope you liked this! I will update towards the end up April, after my final exams. :)**


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